Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 15

I quickly learned I needed more self-care as I wrapped up week two of my Summer of Love Series. Taking a hard look at my self-attacks is powerful, and all these emotional surrenders leave me vulnerable and emotionally drained, so tenderness is in order. This deep dive into myself, my actions, my choices, and my self-limiting beliefs require bravery. But sometimes bravery will leave you wanting nothing more than to curl up in a fetal position, cry, sleep, and turn off all the noise. While some of those actions, particularly turning off the noise and sleeping, are options, I want to replenish my spirit with intentional affirmations. 

Affirmation #1: I choose to love myself today. Choosing love over fear is 100% optional. What we say to ourselves unconsciously becomes what we consciously believe about ourselves. I have shrunken myself down for a decade, but now I choose to live in love. 

Affirmation #2: I will give myself a peaceful and consistent reminder that love and gratitude are within me. I have complete, unobstructed access to gratitude. I am grateful for my willingness to change my mindset. 

Affirmation #3: I am grateful to be in this process. As I rest in this mindset of love and gratitude, I will go slow and intentional in the fast-paced world around me. 

As I’ve been journaling and blogging my way through this series, I was compelled to share the following entry with you: I believe I am love. Everything in me and outside of me is love. I believe this, and I commit to this – I am love. 

Along the lines of breathing love back into my mindset, here are a few bible verses that have been showing up lately:

  • “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” Corinthians 13:7
  • “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
  • “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Colossians 3: 13

I will be back in another 5 days as I move deeper into love, gratitude, and forgiveness.

Thank you for being on this journey with me.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 10

I am moving into week two of shifting my mindset and opening myself up to self-love. Opening up to self-love is not the same as becoming a narcissist. It’s simply opening up to self-forgiveness and letting go of the person I once was ~ a person full of fear and smallness.

If we want to become a more positive energy in this world, we must ditch self-defeating talk and thought patterns. A lack of self-love led me to isolate my God-given gift of writing from the world. It has made me a people pleaser, always caring for others while putting myself and my time at the bottom. Doing this for several years made me resentful. It exhausted me. It’s distracted me from my true calling in life. It made me small. So small that I could never believe that I deserved to dream big or feel I was worthy of big blessings in life ~ it was just a new form of that scarcity mindset. And now that I am facing turning 50, it’s time to reverse this trend. It’s time to learn to love myself as God has designed me.

To start reversing the adverse effects, I must take the next few days and begin the deep dive (again) into how this smallness has made me bypass opportunities, how this smallness has made me afraid to take risks, and how I allowed the scarcity mindset to keep me in this endless loop of stagnation.

I will specifically journal the following prompts while keeping in mind what the bible says about forgiveness: 

  • Where have I been limiting myself?  
  • What have I asked for and received? 
  • What have I received and squandered away?
  • What doors have I consciously shut? 
  • What opportunities have been presented to me that I wasn’t qualified, talented, or intelligent enough for? 
  • Am I willing to take responsibility for this scarcity mindset? 
  • Am I willing to take responsibility and ask God for forgiveness? 

Forgiveness restores broken relationships (Genesis 50:17). 

Forgiveness is a path to love (Luke 7:47). 

Forgiveness precedes healing (Luke 5:17-26). 

God tells us to forgive instead of seeking revenge or bearing a grudge (Leviticus 19:18).

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 5

When fear drives your mindset, you fear upsetting those you love. You worry they will be angry, leave you, or think less of you. When you think about it, this is an unfair punishment. After all, if I can give others multiple opportunities to make right a wrong, why don’t I do that for myself? It’s hypocritical in that sense.

I’m also learning that not forgiving myself is at the root of that scarcity mindset because I tell myself that I am not worthy of forgiveness. I am not worthy of being afforded the chance to make up for a mistake. I am not good enough for someone to love me because of my mistakes. I have woven this scarcity mindset so deep into who I am; I have no one to blame but myself.

If I have no one to blame but myself, I am the only one that can forgive me. Therefore, for the next few days of this Summer of Love series, I am entering into a state of forgiving myself. I forgive myself for the scarcity mindset and for making myself small.

“…be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32).

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 4

My morning mindset: I begin my day with gratitude and release all fears of scarcity and stagnant energy. Focusing on gratitude is reconnecting me to love. God did not make me fearful. God made me in His image, and His image is love. 

As I continue being honest about my fears, I am taking each day to look for growth opportunities. After all, fear is an opportunity for growth. 

Making a generalized list of people and things I am grateful for has always felt incomplete, which could be one of the reasons why I stopped making lists; however, if you are a quick list person – great! It is a great daily habit if you only take a few minutes and list your x-amount of things/people you are thankful for, but right now, I am going deeper to rewire and rewrite my narrative. 

I used to be that positive person, the one who would always chime in with a positive outlook ~ that was me, and I was proud to be that person. I miss that version of me. When did I become pessimistic? I think it started with some undiagnosed depression and hormonal imbalances. I also remember many years passing by when I lacked purpose. I felt exhausted, always being “positive” or “cheerful,” and making a daily gratitude list was hard in those days. I eventually gave in to that defeat and stopped. 

Fast forward to today, this is what my list is shaping up to look like, and it’s working for me. It’s giving me that deep meaning that I’ve been craving: 

Fear: I am fearful that I will not be able to make it through my father’s eulogy without sobbing. 

Gratitude Response: I am honored to speak of my father’s love and legacy. My family loves me, and they, too, are grieving. Crying is a form of healing. 

Fear: I am not healthy. 

Gratitude Response: While I have work to do, I am grateful to have access to healthy foods and safe exercise trails. Restoring my health will take time and discipline ~ have patience. 

Fear: Money is scarce, and I do not handle it well/smartly. I was never good at math and did not understand investing. 

Gratitude Response: I haven’t always been great with money, but now I am learning about investments and working on disciplined spending. 

I feel more authentic making a list this way. I feel a little closer to my old pleasant self. Yes, I am only four into this 30-day journey, but each day is a new opportunity to grow in love. Try this method if making a quick bulleted list makes you feel less than complete. 

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 3

When I was a child, I used to think that when people argued in a restaurant, I would see a table flipped over with scattered food and drinks. It would be exciting. Not so exciting for those who would be left to clean up the mess, but it’s got me thinking about how dramatically the story changed once someone flipped that table. 

Similarly, I am flipping my fears to change my story dramatically. While in this process of inverting my mindset, I am going through a wide range of emotions. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not to confuse excitement with fear. My mind automatically defaults to fear, just like specific physical symptoms invoke anxiety and panic in me. It has taken me months of work to rewire my brain to know that those symptoms are nothing more than pent-up energy that needs to be released. 

In the same process, I am rewiring my brain and rewriting my narrative that when I have thoughts of scarcity, I will replace them with thoughts of abundance and love. 

I am also weaving gratitude into my abundance practice. I’ve kept journals of gratitude before, but they were on the surface level. I never entirely went deep for gratitude. So my list looked like this: I am grateful for waking up, my family, the person who helped me at school, my home, my parents, etc. Now that I am beginning to trust that gratitude is more substantial than fear, my list is changing.  

What I am grateful for this morning: 

I am grateful that the sunrise wakes me up warmly, softly, rather than a panic-inducing alarm.

I am grateful to have clean air to fill my lungs when breathing deeply.

I am grateful to be surrounded by my family’s love while writing my Father’s eulogy. 

I am grateful to have access to God’s word and presence daily. 

Today’s prayer: God, I release my scarcity mindset and anxious energy and replace it with love and gratitude for all the blessings you have given me. 

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we eat? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matthew 6: 31-24).

Posted on by Denise Hartzler · 1 Comment

My father’s love

On April 27th, I lost my father. It’s a deep sadness that I’ve only experienced once before when my grandmother passed, but this feels heavier and more profound. I always knew my father’s time was limited and his passing would come. I didn’t expect it to be so sudden.

I tried writing this on the day I flew out to Arizona, but words weren’t easy. Day 1 came with a lot of crying and grieving. Day 2 was slightly better, but saying goodbye to my husband and son before heading out to Arizona nearly broke me. The waves of sadness came like the turbulence on the plane. I swung from a relaxed and almost weightless feeling with normal breathing to waves thrashing me around from a simple memory. My head hurt from crying so much, and there was nothing I could do other than lean into those I love and lean into God for guidance and comfort.

My father was a good man. He came from humble parents and led a simple life that always put family first. When he married my mom and adopted my sisters and me, we became a family. I was only six when he became our father so he has and will always be the only father I had in my life. One of my earliest memories was sitting in a judge’s chamber answering if I wanted to accept him as my father. I don’t have any emotions tied to that day but the one day that I do remember is going into school learning how to write my new last name, Kinney. My biological name, Rapach, stills hold a place in my timeline but it does not hold any weight like my maiden name, Kinney.

As I reflect on my father’s life, I can’t help but think of his generosity. He would do anything within his power to help anyone. He didn’t make much money driving trucks, but he did what he could. My father took on so many roles when we were growing up. He was an umpire in softball. An active marching band parent. A spectator of field hockey and tennis. A chess partner. He was our bowling instructor, captain, competitor, and biggest fan. Beyond these ordinary never-ending activities of three girls, the most important thing he gave us were his unconditional love and a secure family.

While going through my teenage years, I was not an easy teen – not as challenging as my oldest sister, yet not as good as my middle sister. I learned a lot of lessons from them, and I think my father knew this because our conversations were different than those he had with my sisters. This isn’t to say I didn’t test his patience because I did, but I also knew I could call him at any hour for help. And that’s the ultimate role of a father, isn’t it? To be there.

I don’t know who I’d be if I didn’t have him when I was growing up. I don’t know how to do life without him just yet. He’d say I ‘no longer need him’ because he did his job well, but I will always need him. What I need to learn is how to look for him in the small and big moments of life. I keep telling myself that if I pay attention more to this world around me, I’ll see that he isn’t gone forever.

As I’m sitting outside writing this with the trees blowing a cool breeze, I think of how a family is like these trees – broken branches, small branches sprouting from the strong trunk while others are sprouting out from limbs, brave branches reaching for the sky in all directions, old bark slowly peeling ready to return to the ground, closely stacked branches providing a place to shelter, a sturdy and fully exposed trunk, and unseen roots stretching far wide giving water and nutrients keeping the whole tree grounded – keeping it all alive. It makes me think of all the branches of my family providing me with strength, protection, and love.

As I said, I knew his end was coming, but that small child in me thought he’d be here forever. The adult in me knows that the love he blessed with me these last 43 years will last forever in my heart. I miss you a lot, Dad.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Leaning in…

I cannot believe I haven’t blogged since Christmas time! I drafted several blog posts, but what I wrote didn’t feel fitting. One day it’ll be the right time, but right now, I’m exploring new territory with my writing and creating. I am looking at my writing with a new lens in this new space. I’m trying to find my voice and my stride. It takes much more discipline these days and a lot of consciousness, but the rewards of being deliberate with my time and aware of positive and negative influences bring me closer to my voice.

I am about to branch out into the side hustle world, and while I’m getting things ready to launch, my writing is expanding past my creative and teaching boundaries. I still love playing with words in a creative space. I still love the basics of academic and technical writing I model for my students. And it’s all happening on paper.

That’s right! I have returned to writing on paper. Not only is it less distracting and easier on my eyes, but it’s also grounding. It could also be the tactile experience that I am enjoying. And writing on paper slows me down – something both my body and brain need. Going slower has been a goal of mine since my time on leave last fall. We live in a rushed world, and when I don’t slow down and step off the proverbial hamster wheel, it negatively affects my mind, body, and soul; returning to pen and paper is healing.

I noticed that writing on paper, besides my messy handwriting, there is less pressure to get each and every word just right. That burden of making every word just right is nothing more than a form of perfectionism, which is why many writers fail to achieve goals. Typing to get every word right was an unconscious block for making progress. With handwriting, I’m also pushing past the urge to rewrite what I worked on the day before. It’s Newton’s law of motion – consciously moving my hand and thoughts forward keeps me moving forward. Another reason for writing by hand is the focus. My focus has severely declined over the last decade. It’s not just age (approaching 50); it’s the mental decline due to endless hours of zombie scrolling and zoning out on my phone and tablet. Yes, phones are great. Heck, I used to work for a mobile app company. So I get it. I actually love playing with technology, but it’s beginning to come at a price. Writing by hand genuinely strengthens my ability to calm my mind and body, allowing me enough stored energy to focus my thoughts to a satisfying conclusion. As my brain carefully considers each letter, word, or phrase, I gain more stamina to push out invading thoughts. Lastly, writing by hand improves my ability to express myself more authentically and allows me to communicate more complex ideas. It’s like a more profound sense of critical thinking. While it also serves as a blank playground where thoughts can expand and grow beyond the page.

In addition to writing on paper, I have been consciously practicing leaning into what brings me joy, energizes me, and makes me feel authentic. I also pay close attention to what depletes me and negatively impacts me. Whether it comes from food, news, the people around me, text messages, music, or my surroundings. They offer one thing: positive or negative energy. If I get sucked into the negative, I excuse myself and walk away or pivot my thoughts or the conversation to something more neutral or positive. Negative energy is sticky energy. It’s like pollen. It sticks to EVERYTHING! It often feels light, but it quickly becomes a weighty burden. This is where boundaries come into play. They are essential to establish. If you are a people pleaser, boundaries are difficult to practice but are critical to your well-being. By leaning into the good and the bad, I (re)learn more about myself and become more confident in protecting all that brings me joy without apologizing.

Just like life, writing is a journey. Some days are trying. Some days are smooth. Self-discovery is also a journey. Creating the life you want is 100% controllable by you. Therefore, I invite you on this journey with me because, as my tagline states, journies are meant to be shared.

I’d love to hear what journey you are on currently. Please drop a comment below, and let’s have a conversation.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

COVID, Christmas, and Creativity

There were three weeks after Thanksgiving break until winter break. I had hoped and prayed that I could make it through; after all, it was only three weeks. However, I spent half of those three weeks battling COVID. It was my first bout of COVID, and I hope it will be my last. The coughing felt like knives in my chest and throat while the rest of my body ached from fighting a fever, eventually leading to shivering and sweating. The congestion was choking me, and I was desperate for nothing more than ice water. It was misery. My doctor said she hadn’t seen someone with a severe case in a while, and I had it bad. Unfortunately, the antiviral meds gave me night terrors, so I stopped them immediately. Sleep was my friend, and I was desperate to protect it, even if it meant missing out on several hockey games, interactions with family, and life in general, especially Christmas shopping and planning. By day seven, I slowly began to feel sort of human again. I could do essential functions around the house, but they would leave me exhausted.

I should be enjoying this time of year, but I’m struggling with the preparations this year. I’m trying to understand why my parasympathetic system goes haywire whenever a virus attacks my body. When I finally feel better physically, the anxiety returns with a vengeance. I am not as bad as in the fall with panic attacks, but that old familiar anxiousness vibrates through my body. I rely on the tools I learned to keep the panic at arm’s length. Christmas music helps. Now that I can breathe without coughing fits, I’m forcing myself to sing along. It allows me to quiet the anxious vibrations. We will have a house full of family on Christmas Eve, and I refuse to let anxiety ruin my time with them. It’s not often that we get together like this, so I will ask for help and allow others to help; I will excuse myself at/around 10 PM to head into bed because rest is a non-negotiable for my health and wellness. Christmas’s busyness will not exhaust me; I am the only one who will exhaust me. My husband knows this about me and will protect me, even when I’m the cause. Just the other day, he watched me fighting sleep when it was what my body needed. I was determined to stay awake and make it to our son’s hockey game. He looked at me and said, “stop being stubborn and get up to bed now. You need to rest.” His support lifts that self-imposed weight I place on myself. A moment like this makes me appreciate how well we know and respect each other.

Besides family, Christmas, and time off from work/school, I love this time to curl up in front of the tree and write. Christmastime always gifts me with creativity. It’s often the last of the year rush to get more words released like I’m making up for procrastination days or, in this case, writing days lost to COVID. It could be simply the warmth of the house from all the decorations. Whatever it is, I have a fountain of creativity flowing, and each year, I am more determined not to let the busyness of work and life take precedence over my writing. So I capitalize on this time and let the creativity flow onto the pages. I am excited about what I have planned for 2023 for my writing journey, and I cannot wait to share it with you. Together we will go from page to page on a writing journey where we will nurture a tiny seed of an idea into a relatable world full of characters that take on life and all of its twists and turns.

For now, I wish you all a Merry Christmas! May you be blessed with joy, warmth, good health, creativity, and peace. ~Denise

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

A moment to say…thanks

Thanksgiving signifies the act of expressing or feeling thankfulness. It’s the act of giving thanks to express gratitude for the blessings in one’s life.

I have so much to be thankful for, but I want to focus on people this season. It’s easy to be grateful for the blessings in our lives, like a warm home in the winter, food, clothing, a running car, etc. While these necessities are essential, I want to show gratitude for those I love and who have taught me lessons.

When my son was an infant, I would often walk and rock him while saying thank you to all our “angels” who watch over us. I would say, “thank you, Gram, thank you, Uncle Pat, thank you, Wanda, thank you, Pop, thank you, Uncle Freddy,” and this would continue until the fussiness subsided or he fell asleep. There was something very cathartic about calling out to those I loved dearly to help calm my baby.

So the other morning, as I was journaling, I started listing all the people who have helped me this past year. The list is long, and for that, I am grateful. I even listed people who had wronged me or made life more challenging. After all, I did learn something from them or about them. This exercise gave me tremendous perspective. It was very humbling to realize how many I have not reached out to or who I have not heard from in a while.  

I wish all my readers a very HappyThanksgiving. As a simple thank you, I encourage you to download this gratitude page from my upcoming journal. If you are reading this early in the morning, remember, it only takes a moment to be grateful for all those in your life, even those who may have been in your life for just a season.

Happy Thanksgiving!

As always, I encourage you to comment, like, and share. Writing is a journey meant to be shared.

A moment to say…Download
Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Choose Your Own Adventure

This past week I met with a new doctor specializing in integrative, holistic solutions. During our session, we covered the symptoms that have challenged my health and well-being since this past summer leading up to my debilitating anxiety and panic disorder earlier this fall. Seeing and understanding the results of eight vials of blood was an awakening. In my heart, I knew my body was out of balance, but I didn’t realize to what extent until I took action to seek out a different path of care.

Taking a path different from the “traditional” is not always bad. I’ve been told these last few years, “this is just the way it is and can be this way for several more years.” I settled for that answer until it landed me in the ER last month. It wasn’t until after I came home from the ER that day did I finally get honest with myself. I knew there had to be a better way to health than just one prescription after another. Note: I am not saying medications are wrong, and plenty of people near and dear to me require medicines for various reasons, but for me, it just wasn’t the answer, and my body strongly sent that message.

Now that I’m on an alternative path to getting my body back in balance, it’s time to get honest with my spirit about my dream of writing full-time.

Each of us is born with a dream in our hearts. The first realization of this dream probably came when you imagined yourself in another role during childhood. You may not have realized it until you were a teen or a young adult looking up at the stars with that gut feeling of, “there has to be more for me out there.” It may come to you when you are an adult going through a new season. Whatever your age, or stage in life, God placed a purpose in your spirit from the moment you were born. Most of us, including myself, may have taken a bit longer to understand this purpose. Some, again including myself, may fight or ignore that purpose. But you can easily find your purpose with some quiet time, prayer time, and a journal. My childhood dreams of becoming a veterinarian are long past, but my dream and desire to pursue a career in writing have been urging me a lot harder these days. While I love teaching and working with many different students, it’s causing a lot of dis-ease within me. Being a teacher has many emotional rewards and provides a stable income; however, the price of being physically, mentally, and emotionally depleted is not living – it’s merely surviving.

Life has been feeling like those “choose your own adventure” books. Make the wrong decision, and you die. Fortunately, in those books, you restart the adventure. In reality, there is no start-over after death. So I need to restart now! I must reboot both my health and my writing. Where does this leave me with teaching? I will fulfill my contract year because that’s who I am, and it’s the professional thing to do. Along the way, I will create boundaries that will protect my writing time and energy levels. I will take every little step I can to stay on the path of finding a way to catapult my writing past the hobby phase and into the income phase. I invite you to continue this journey with me because it is in community where we heal, learn, grow, and write.

Join the conversation: Please leave me a comment and any suggestions to help me get my writing career monetized and to become a full-time reality.