Posted on by Denise Hartzler

COVID, Christmas, and Creativity

There were three weeks after Thanksgiving break until winter break. I had hoped and prayed that I could make it through; after all, it was only three weeks. However, I spent half of those three weeks battling COVID. It was my first bout of COVID, and I hope it will be my last. The coughing felt like knives in my chest and throat while the rest of my body ached from fighting a fever, eventually leading to shivering and sweating. The congestion was choking me, and I was desperate for nothing more than ice water. It was misery. My doctor said she hadn’t seen someone with a severe case in a while, and I had it bad. Unfortunately, the antiviral meds gave me night terrors, so I stopped them immediately. Sleep was my friend, and I was desperate to protect it, even if it meant missing out on several hockey games, interactions with family, and life in general, especially Christmas shopping and planning. By day seven, I slowly began to feel sort of human again. I could do essential functions around the house, but they would leave me exhausted.

I should be enjoying this time of year, but I’m struggling with the preparations this year. I’m trying to understand why my parasympathetic system goes haywire whenever a virus attacks my body. When I finally feel better physically, the anxiety returns with a vengeance. I am not as bad as in the fall with panic attacks, but that old familiar anxiousness vibrates through my body. I rely on the tools I learned to keep the panic at arm’s length. Christmas music helps. Now that I can breathe without coughing fits, I’m forcing myself to sing along. It allows me to quiet the anxious vibrations. We will have a house full of family on Christmas Eve, and I refuse to let anxiety ruin my time with them. It’s not often that we get together like this, so I will ask for help and allow others to help; I will excuse myself at/around 10 PM to head into bed because rest is a non-negotiable for my health and wellness. Christmas’s busyness will not exhaust me; I am the only one who will exhaust me. My husband knows this about me and will protect me, even when I’m the cause. Just the other day, he watched me fighting sleep when it was what my body needed. I was determined to stay awake and make it to our son’s hockey game. He looked at me and said, “stop being stubborn and get up to bed now. You need to rest.” His support lifts that self-imposed weight I place on myself. A moment like this makes me appreciate how well we know and respect each other.

Besides family, Christmas, and time off from work/school, I love this time to curl up in front of the tree and write. Christmastime always gifts me with creativity. It’s often the last of the year rush to get more words released like I’m making up for procrastination days or, in this case, writing days lost to COVID. It could be simply the warmth of the house from all the decorations. Whatever it is, I have a fountain of creativity flowing, and each year, I am more determined not to let the busyness of work and life take precedence over my writing. So I capitalize on this time and let the creativity flow onto the pages. I am excited about what I have planned for 2023 for my writing journey, and I cannot wait to share it with you. Together we will go from page to page on a writing journey where we will nurture a tiny seed of an idea into a relatable world full of characters that take on life and all of its twists and turns.

For now, I wish you all a Merry Christmas! May you be blessed with joy, warmth, good health, creativity, and peace. ~Denise

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

A moment to say…thanks

Thanksgiving signifies the act of expressing or feeling thankfulness. It’s the act of giving thanks to express gratitude for the blessings in one’s life.

I have so much to be thankful for, but I want to focus on people this season. It’s easy to be grateful for the blessings in our lives, like a warm home in the winter, food, clothing, a running car, etc. While these necessities are essential, I want to show gratitude for those I love and who have taught me lessons.

When my son was an infant, I would often walk and rock him while saying thank you to all our “angels” who watch over us. I would say, “thank you, Gram, thank you, Uncle Pat, thank you, Wanda, thank you, Pop, thank you, Uncle Freddy,” and this would continue until the fussiness subsided or he fell asleep. There was something very cathartic about calling out to those I loved dearly to help calm my baby.

So the other morning, as I was journaling, I started listing all the people who have helped me this past year. The list is long, and for that, I am grateful. I even listed people who had wronged me or made life more challenging. After all, I did learn something from them or about them. This exercise gave me tremendous perspective. It was very humbling to realize how many I have not reached out to or who I have not heard from in a while.  

I wish all my readers a very HappyThanksgiving. As a simple thank you, I encourage you to download this gratitude page from my upcoming journal. If you are reading this early in the morning, remember, it only takes a moment to be grateful for all those in your life, even those who may have been in your life for just a season.

Happy Thanksgiving!

As always, I encourage you to comment, like, and share. Writing is a journey meant to be shared.

A moment to say…Download
Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Choose Your Own Adventure

This past week I met with a new doctor specializing in integrative, holistic solutions. During our session, we covered the symptoms that have challenged my health and well-being since this past summer leading up to my debilitating anxiety and panic disorder earlier this fall. Seeing and understanding the results of eight vials of blood was an awakening. In my heart, I knew my body was out of balance, but I didn’t realize to what extent until I took action to seek out a different path of care.

Taking a path different from the “traditional” is not always bad. I’ve been told these last few years, “this is just the way it is and can be this way for several more years.” I settled for that answer until it landed me in the ER last month. It wasn’t until after I came home from the ER that day did I finally get honest with myself. I knew there had to be a better way to health than just one prescription after another. Note: I am not saying medications are wrong, and plenty of people near and dear to me require medicines for various reasons, but for me, it just wasn’t the answer, and my body strongly sent that message.

Now that I’m on an alternative path to getting my body back in balance, it’s time to get honest with my spirit about my dream of writing full-time.

Each of us is born with a dream in our hearts. The first realization of this dream probably came when you imagined yourself in another role during childhood. You may not have realized it until you were a teen or a young adult looking up at the stars with that gut feeling of, “there has to be more for me out there.” It may come to you when you are an adult going through a new season. Whatever your age, or stage in life, God placed a purpose in your spirit from the moment you were born. Most of us, including myself, may have taken a bit longer to understand this purpose. Some, again including myself, may fight or ignore that purpose. But you can easily find your purpose with some quiet time, prayer time, and a journal. My childhood dreams of becoming a veterinarian are long past, but my dream and desire to pursue a career in writing have been urging me a lot harder these days. While I love teaching and working with many different students, it’s causing a lot of dis-ease within me. Being a teacher has many emotional rewards and provides a stable income; however, the price of being physically, mentally, and emotionally depleted is not living – it’s merely surviving.

Life has been feeling like those “choose your own adventure” books. Make the wrong decision, and you die. Fortunately, in those books, you restart the adventure. In reality, there is no start-over after death. So I need to restart now! I must reboot both my health and my writing. Where does this leave me with teaching? I will fulfill my contract year because that’s who I am, and it’s the professional thing to do. Along the way, I will create boundaries that will protect my writing time and energy levels. I will take every little step I can to stay on the path of finding a way to catapult my writing past the hobby phase and into the income phase. I invite you to continue this journey with me because it is in community where we heal, learn, grow, and write.

Join the conversation: Please leave me a comment and any suggestions to help me get my writing career monetized and to become a full-time reality.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Give Yourself Permission to Pause

The other day when I was watching tv with Chris, I asked him to pause the show while I ran upstairs to check on dinner. Why is it second nature for us to ask someone to “press pause when a show is playing,” but when we need a pause for our health, we hesitate, or worse, we keep life going in fast-forward motion? 

Last week, I skipped this blog because I ran out of steam. I returned to work last week and while the welcome back was warm and full of hugs, laughs, tears, and genuinely kind words, I didn’t have the energy to write this post. And guess what? That’s ok. I hit the pause button rather than pushing through.

Even this past Monday, after three days at work, I had to call out because I woke up with a fever, body aches, and deep congestion. I showered, got ready for work, and had all intentions of getting into school and teaching throughout the day. Then I sat down and paused for a moment. I leaned in and listened to my body. Within that brief moment, I realized how sick I’d become. Flu, RSV, COVID, and so many “unnamed” viruses are floating around in school. After I whipped out sub plans, I read through eight emails from students who all were around me last week and are now home with the flu. 

I also know my body does not do well when the weather changes. These last few days, we had the air conditioning back on. Yeah, let that sink in. It’s November. The air conditioning is on! The heat was on two weeks ago, and we’re about to turn it back on later this week when it’ll be in the forties at night. Anyways, as crazy as the weather is and the crazy amount of stuff floating around school, I’d inevitably get sick.   

Being sick doesn’t mean that you are weak. Is it an inconvenience? Yes. For teachers, I know it poses a problem with so few subs working this year. But when we are sick, it forces us to pause. Therefore, I encourage you to look at the positive, even if you feel miserable. 

I want you to imagine what you would feel like if you hit the pause button more often when you are not sick:   

  • Take time for yourself.
  • Take time for your family or for those you love dearly. 
  • Take time for your goals.
  • Take time for your dreams! 
  • Take time to be present. 
  • Take time to pray. 
  • Take time in nature. 

The list is endless! Just promise me that before the busyness of the holidays and the flu and cold season force you to pause, you hit the pause button without guilt.  

I’d love to hear from you! Share how you know when it’s time to hit pause and what you do during your pause.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

“Can we fix it? Yes! We Can!” Building a Mental Health Toolbox for Anxiety

Writing through Anxiety Blog Series #4

If I needed to borrow a tool, would you lend it to me? Some people will say sure, while others will not. People are very protective of their tools. Some have good reasons, like their tools never being returned or returned too many years too late. Hopefully, the tools I’m giving you today will help you build a toolbox you can use and give to someone else in need. I wish I could fix anxiety with panic disorder with just one tool, but thankfully, we are in an age where we have so many tools at our fingertips and so many good neighbors willing to share their tools 🙂  

Over these last few weeks, I’ve been writing about my recent anxiety and panic disorder that led me to go out on FMLA status from teaching. Today, we are discussing ways we can move through anxiety with the purpose of building a toolbox. 

To start, I want you to declare that your anxiety will no longer have power over you and the things you want to enjoy in life. This declaration can be a simple whisper to yourself, a written statement, or shouted (literally shouted from your gut) outside in nature. A positive, powerful mentality is essential. 

As a reminder, I’ve encouraged you since Blog 1 in this series to find your support people. Having a circle of support around you is crucial during this time. This community should surround you with love, understanding, and patience. Remember, healing never takes place in isolation. 

Now let’s talk about a toolbox. Remember Bob the Builder? “Can we fix it? Yes, we can!” Bob the Builder was a popular tv series whereby Bob and his pals (aka his community) solved problems with a positive attitude (mindset) and used all sorts of tools to fix things. Note: I am fully aware this is an animated, imaginary world full of positivity for children. However, that doesn’t mean we should discredit it and not apply it to our anxiety and debilitating panic. And I’m not downplaying the severity of anxiety or panic disorder. I know what it’s like to be in the ER for panic attacks.

First, healing anxiety relies on all the tools we have to assist us through the pain. What tools do I have in my arsenal? Prayer, Bible reading, meditation, breathing exercises, body tapping, walking, hypnotherapy, writing, and many conversations with my support circle. And as of last week, I mentioned using medications. Due to the severity of the side effects and being in a consistent state of feeling simultaneously drunk and hungover, I recently decided to stop the meds. I’m trying everything I can to stay holistic because that works best for my body. There is no judgment here, and you should NEVER feel ashamed if you include medications in your toolbox. 

Building a toolbox requires understanding how and why anxiety happens in the body. For me, it’s rarely thought-provoking anxiety, but I do have some thoughts that can trigger anxiety; however, not many. It’s a physical response to the stress in my world. So I recently learned about “leaning” into the pain and accepting that my body is sounding an alarm. It’s crying for attention. All the old habits and the physical pain stored deep in our cells comes to the surface in the form of anxiety and panic. When I feel heart palpitations or tension in my chest or shoulders, I stop what I am doing and place my hand on the part of my body where I feel the reaction happening. So if it’s that choking feeling, I gently put my hand on my throat area, take a 2- or 3-second breath and exhale twice the amount while quietly telling myself, “I am safe, or just simply ask my anxiety what it needs.” If I have to do this sitting down, walking around, or swaying side to side, that’s what I do. It doesn’t take it away, but it lessens the intensity. If you are interested in more of this type of technique, search “somatic therapy.” 

I also walk every day. Even on rainy days, I somehow manage to walk at least 2 miles outside. I invested in base layers of clothing to have zero excuses for not getting outdoors as the temperatures drop. It’s fall in Virginia which means it’s cold in the mornings and warmer in the afternoons. During my FMLA time, I have taken to doing sunrise walks. I love watching the sunrise at 7:20 every morning. There is something so peaceful about the rising sun and the colors of the leaves. I even found a rock to sit on under a canopy of yellow maple trees. The leaves are truly spectacular this time of the year. As a side note, I am not a runner, but on some mornings, when I feel a lot of built-up tension or vibrations in my chest, I do a slow run for a mile. I did two miles the other day because my body needed to move quickly, and it helped me release some deep breathing. 

Meditation. Most people believe you must empty your mind to meditate effectively. I beg to differ. Our minds inherently think. By nature, this is how they are wired. So why do we expect them to stop thinking while meditating or going into a state of quiet rest? Years ago, I learned to hear the thought but not follow it. So I often say, “don’t go down the rabbit hole.” If you are trying to quiet your mind and suddenly remember that you need to buy frozen peas and carrots, thank your brain for the reminder but don’t start building a grocery list. Return to your quiet mind and visualize where your breath is needed in your body to heal. For example, I imagine the inhale filling up my chest with clean air and the exhale expels the stress from my body. After a few clean breaths, I move on to another body part. I do this for about 3-5 minutes. That’s it. 

Body tapping is a fantastic exercise. I learned body tapping almost 20 years ago! I recently appreciated the benefits of knowing how to do body tapping during this latest episode of panic. I’ve recommitted to ensuring I go with some form of tapping during the day. As shown in the video listed below, you don’t have to tap your entire body; you can focus on the upper body to help relieve anxiety’s stagnant energy. I like doing whole-body tapping at the end of a long and stressful day. It’s like beating the dust off an area rug. 

I’m new to hypnotherapy. Listening to it right before bed is exceptionally relaxing. There is something about consciously melting into your mattress while unconsciously being told affirmations that I find comforting and helpful. Below is the link to the audio ones that I listen to and the books that has really helped me understand the physical storing of anxiety.  

As for bible reading and praying, I’ve always done this. Having that quiet time at the beginning of my day while reading the Bible is a habit I will never abandon. In the mornings, if my mind is racing or my body is tense, I begin reciting the Lord’s Prayer over and over. Repeating this prayer or a verse from the Bible helps ground me and makes me feel truly connected to God, and reminds me that I am never alone. My favorite Bible verse that I’m ready to tattoo on my body is Romans 12:2 – “Do not conform to the ways of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. ” 

Finally, make sure you have a support circle. My support comes from family and friends, who don’t judge me, and they can be called/texted at any time of the day. I also have a therapist who gives me tools and is a prayer warrior. Here in Virginia, and I’m sure in other states, after COVID, it is challenging to find a therapist with an opening that isn’t six-eight months out. I turned to Better Help, an online therapy platform. All it took was filling out a questionnaire, and they matched med immediately to someone. We now meet online weekly, and I can join small group therapy. It’s been a great tool! If you are trying to find a therapist and cannot get in to see one, please consider Better Help. They are affordable and convenient; you can choose a video or phone call, all in the comfort of your home. And I know what it feels like to have agoraphobia during anxiety and panic, so having the comfort of not leaving your home is essential. My work family is also a part of my support circle. They check in with me, give me space, and ask permission to chat about work. On the days when I said, “no, I can’t talk about work right now because I have too much anxiety,” they understood and still reached out to say hi or send cute cat memes or pictures of their pets.  

I hope that giving you a glimpse and a list of resources in my toolbox is helpful. I know how living with anxiety and panic disorder can be debilitating at times. I am returning to work tomorrow, and it has taken me close to six weeks to say this without panicking. I have a “panic buddy” ready at work to help me when my body wants to freeze or run away. I don’t know if I will openly discuss this with my students. Some may find this blog and read it anyways, and if they have questions, I will be honest. My journey is not over; just my medical leave is over. And without ruminating about what “might be” or “could be” in the future, which is not real because it hasn’t happened yet, I am learning to be present, and I’m learning to be a defender of my mental and physical health, even if it means redefining my life.

If you don’t want to read this exceptionally long narrative, here is a quick list of resources that make up my toolbox (these are not affiliate links): 

Better Help

Body Tapping – there are many other videos but this is how I learned to body tap almost 20 years ago

Meditation

Understanding Anxiety and Hypnotherapy – book and audio downloads

Somatic Therapy

My favorite pens and pencils for writing

Columbia Sports (base layers for colder weather)

Let’s keep the dialogue going. If you are comfortable, please leave me your story and experience with anxiety/panic attacks. Remember, we heal in community, not in isolation. My mission is to help others openly discuss their anxiety/panic and talking openly and honestly is the first step. If you have tools that have helped you, please share. Like my motto, “writing is a life-long journey meant to be shared,” I can now confidently say the same about healing my anxiety ~ it may be a life-long journey, but I’m grateful I can share it with you and those around me.

Disclaimer: This is by no means therapy or professional advice. This blog series is my narrative, my journey, that I am sharing with you in hopes of encouraging you to begin healing your anxiety.
Posted on by Denise Hartzler

This Might Hurt…

Writing Through Anxiety Blog Series #3

Do you know how a doctor usually says, “this might hurt,” before piercing a needle into your skin? You brace yourself for physical pain. Our brains process the forewarning by telling our bodies that there will be a period when we must experience physical pain before the healing begins. Why don’t we give ourselves this warning when dealing with mental health? After all, deciding to make a change for your mental health leads you through a physical, emotional, and spiritual transformation. This transformation will require some pain. Why? Well, simply put, you are growing. You are breaking a cycle. 

If you are unhappy, stressed out, burnt out, unfilled, disgusted, full of anxiety, whatever it is, you must first decide to remove the mask. Removing the guise will make you feel very vulnerable. It’s hidden your truth for so long that now without the facade, you essentially feel naked, and boy, it is scary! 

Thankfully, we are a generation of consciousness. And that’s a good thing! It allows us to say, “I refuse to live like this anymore.” It’s effortless to slip the mask back on. I believe this is what our brains want us to do. I always tell my students, “our brains want to be lazy.” Brains thrive on routines and repetitions because they don’t have to work. However, once you declare that you will no longer live this way, you must begin implementing all the tools you have gathered to foster change. Unfortunately, when it comes to mental health, no one tells you that this change will be physically uncomfortable as it is emotionally and spiritually. But I encourage you to remind yourself that the pain you are going through is growing pains and that no transformation ever happens without pain. 

The minute you start changing is when the pain comes. We have done everything to avoid pain; we don’t like the uncomfortable. We are essentially in survival mode and have reshaped ourselves to prevent or lessen the pain. No one welcomes pain. I get it. But let’s look at it through a different lens. What happens if we move past the numbing and coping we’ve relied on all these years? What if we lean into our pain? We no longer consciously or unconsciously avoid it. Let’s give it the attention it needs. Anxiety in our bodies is like sounding an alarm to get our attention. 

You see, anxiety or panic pain comes in many physical reactions. This past month, I have gone through the following trials of discomfort/pain:  

  • Heat spreads from my chest through my limbs (and this isn’t a hot flash or warmth, it’s like searing burning moving through your veins). 
  • Hands around my throat, squeezing tightly. 
  • Tremors, more like a violent twitch, of my arms, hands, or legs.
  • Vibration or a constant annoying buzzing throughout my whole body.
  • Electric shocks/jolts.
  • Tired/fatigued muscles.
  • My heart thumps against my chest wall or pounds in my ears. 
  • Sour stomach or nausea. 
  • My eyes dart around the room, and I cannot move them smoothly from one thing to the next. 

After several days (and eventually weeks of these relentless symptoms) and with the help of my support circle, I decided to take FMLA and use the time to lean into the pain and heal. Yes, the meds are assisting me, but I am not allowing them to be the solution. They are merely an assistant. It doesn’t mean that they are numbing the anxiety. They prevent me from tipping over the precipice into sheer panic. When I am in that state of panic, there is no fighting. For me, it’s simply fleeing or freezing. And by freezing, I mean curling up into myself as tightly as possible, crying because I’m freaking out, and unaware of any thoughts other than getting my body as small and tightly wound as possible. Thankfully, my husband is strong enough to wrap himself around me and be that gentle reminder to breathe because I have a habit of holding my breath. 

After a panic episode subsides, it leaves my body feeling like I’m hungover. I’m tired to the bone, and my spirit is weary. These panic episodes have scared me to the point of going to the ER twice in my lifetime. And all they ever did was sedate me. Feeling like I was losing all control, and this fear of being torn away from my family or waking up locked away somewhere only raised my blood pressure. But once I was in the safety of my home, I slept. Upon waking up, I vowed to find a way to recognize the pain in my body and find the tools needed to avoid further panic episodes. 

If after a panic or intense anxiety attack, you may need to nap. You may need to cry. You will most likely be exhausted from breaking deep cycles of masking. Be kind to yourself. Be confident, knowing and feeling that you are doing the work many refuse to do. After all, people with anxiety are some of the strongest and most resilient people in the world. We do everything we need to (take care of family, hold down careers, etc.) while carrying 100lbs of worry/fear on our backs. Begin putting these statements on repeat: I am strong. I will find peace. Peace begins with me. 

Action Steps: 

  1. Identify how your body responds to anxiety. Write down specifically where you feel the tension. Does it start with an increased heart rate? Does it start with tension in your shoulders? Does it start in the upper stomach/solar plexus area? Take note of where it begins.
  2. Gather your tools. Hopefully, you have your support circle identified. Let them in by telling them you are looking for ways to heal your anxiety. Accept their suggestions graciously, even if you don’t use them. Research different breathing techniques and meditations and try them out to see what works for you. Find a therapist if you don’t have one. There are plenty of online therapists available 24/7. I personally use a therapist from Better Help. It’s convenient and in the comfort of my home. Find time to take a walk every day. If it’s cold and rainy outside, do some yoga. All these tools and more will help you through the pain. 

Next week, we’ll discuss how to put your tools to work and begin the healing process. 

Let’s keep the dialogue going. If you are comfortable, please leave me your story and experience with anxiety/panic attacks. Remember, we heal in community, not in isolation. My mission is to help others openly discuss their anxiety/panic and talking openly and honestly is the first step.

Disclaimer: This is by no means therapy or professional advice. This blog series is my narrative, my journey, that I am sharing with you in hopes of encouraging you to begin healing your anxiety.
Posted on by Denise Hartzler

You Must Be This Tall to Ride…

Writing Through Anxiety Blog Series #2

There are plenty of reasons I’m not too fond of rollercoasters: the jerking motion, free-falling motion, the tight grip on the handles, the stomach in your throat feeling, and plenty more. It’s never been exhilarating for me. I have even tried to find joy in them. The stress release of screaming your brains out without judgment. The laughter of riders afterward. The wind in your hair. While these are all positives for many, the negative feelings far outweigh the positives. Hell, most of the time, I was never tall enough to ride the rollercoasters, but I did try a few, and it was enough to know that it wasn’t for me. Right now in my life, this journey of battling anxiety with panic disorder is one big rollercoaster ride, and I want off.

These last two weeks have been challenging. One day I will feel like my healthy self, full of peace, calm, and lightness. The next day, my body twitches and tremors, my stomach churns, and my head either hurts or is dizzy. It’s almost four weeks since I started meds, and I can’t tell if they are working or not. I’m guessing they are because the anxiety hasn’t spiraled/escalated into a panic. To me, these little moments are progressing me toward steady days.

Like many others, I’m doing my fair share, probably too obsessively, of research on how to hold down a job with anxiety and panic disorder. I’m trying new breathing techniques, cold showers, long walks, sensory-type grounding practices, cognitive behavior therapy, hypnotherapy, and more. Intellectually, I know it will be a long process to get well, but that doesn’t mean I won’t get frustrated, annoyed, or impatient by how slow this is taking.

So as I continue on this rollercoaster, I am trying my hardest to give myself some grace on the challenging days. My husband is more patient with me than I am on those days. He’s my rock and my support, and I mean that as literally as possible. He truly holds me up when my legs want to give out. He holds my hand when he senses my fear and reassures my soul that I am not alone. When he wraps me in his arms tightly, it eases my rapid heartbeat into a slow thump. On days when I feel strong and at peace, I try to push past my comfort zone and dip my toes in the proverbial waters to see how my body will react.

As I wrestle with all these physical reactions to the world around me, I remind myself that I need to figure out what to do with my teaching career. Right now, it’s on hold in the infamous FMLA status, but even that requires an end date. I want to go back, but it’s hard putting on a mask of bravery when my body is freaking out on the inside. My doctor and therapist advise me that I shouldn’t decide while feeling this way. Unfortunately, it feels like unfinished business. Plus, there’s the weight of knowing how much extra work it is putting on your colleagues.

Writing through all this has been helpful and feels substantial. I wish I were well enough to share with my students just how important it is to write your way through the ups and downs, twists and turns, and the backward motion of the rollercoaster. I also wish I was not tall enough to ride this ride, but there is a purpose, and I’m determined to find the purpose of this journey.

Action Step: I encourage you to leave a comment and share your story with me. I am a firm believer that we can never heal in isolation. We heal in our community. I urge you to find your community if you struggle with mental health. It doesn’t need to be a large group but find your people.

I count my blessings for my community of supporters. Without their love, patience, and support, I would be lost and lonely. Like my motto, “Writing is a life-long journey meant to be shared,” I can now confidently say the same about healing my anxiety ~ it may be a life-long journey, but I’m grateful I can share it with you and those around me.

Disclaimer: This is by no means therapy or professional advice. This blog series is my narrative, my journey, that I am sharing with you in hopes of encouraging you to begin healing your anxiety.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Writing through anxiety

About three weeks ago, sheer terror took over my brain as I tried to get myself into school. I pulled over to the side of the road trying to catch my breath, but my breathing was labored while my stomach churned out one wave of nausea after another. My heart pounded my chest wall like it no longer wanted to remain in my body. Every nerve in my body reacted to every sound with a jolt of electric shocks while my muscles twitched. This was the worst panic attack of my life.

The following days were plagued with manic bouts of sobbing. My body was releasing an immense array of emotions. Positive and negative thoughts swung like a heavy pendulum with no rest in the middle. I lost all sense of who I was and couldn’t feel any sort of my old self. My support circle of my husband, my son, my family, and friends immediately surrounded me in love and prayer. They became my stable ground while I lost all sense of being able to stand on my own.

As the days continued with my husband by my side, my son reassuring me, and my family and friends checking in throughout the day, my body and brain continued on this path of panic. Tense muscles twitched me awake throughout the night. Guilt wakes me up early mornings knowing there are no subs to cover my team at work. As I tried to continue to press through the day with the most mundane tasks of showering and eating, I was continually assaulted by those electric shocks numbing my chest and limbs. This was tearing me down.

I decided to take a medical leave of absence. This was the hardest decision of my professional life. It was a quick decision but one that had to be made sooner rather than later. Beyond the basics of knowing that I could not be responsible for young adults at this time, the weight of not having to put on a mask of calm to get through the day, was a deep breath that I needed.

As I continue to heal and go through trials of various medications, I am learning to give my body the time it needs to heal because I only have this one body and one mind. The healing process is a tug of war with my ego. My body and mind have been on a steady decline of brokenness and my ego kept me going for all the wrong reasons. So while the breakdown was slow, my ego expects a quick fix. Relearning how to be in rest is challenging but for a nervous system that is on hyperdrive, rest is necessary.

When the meds don’t have me in a fog, I will write my way through this journey. And with every [writing] journey, pacing is everything, being present is necessary, and forgiveness is essential. I am more determined than ever to resurface my purpose through writing. Putting words on the page is my breath and my best defense against an anxious beast wanting to do nothing more than escalate and spiral me far from reality.

If you are struggling with your mental health, please do not suffer alone. Find your circle of support and if you aren’t sure where to turn, please contact 988 for help.

Please leave a comment of encouragement, empowerment, or your story. It’s only when we openly talk about mental health that we can begin to remove the stigmas and heal.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

National Day of Encouragement

September 12th is designated the National Day of Encouragement. It is a day to do what you can to lift others up and have a positive impact on the people around you. Yesterday, we took time to remember the victims of 9/11 and to really embrace the every day moments of family life. As my son continues on his high school journey, the reality of how fast time is going by is setting in. I know I only have a few more years left with him living with us and so every moment is becoming more and more precious. His age reminded me of the young adults that began the National Day of Encouragement. This remarkable group took it upon themselves to overcome the grim reality of negatives and turn to each other for encouragement. Within a short amount of time this project gained popularity and purpose. President George Bush declared September 12, 2007 the National Day of Encouragement.

As a teacher, I will be using tomorrow to bring awareness to this day and ask my students how they define the word “encourage” and what can they do to encourage another person today. As a writer, there is nothing more simpler and easy to do than write a letter/postcard. So from one writer to another, I ask that you please reach out and send a letter or a postcard to someone you may not have heard from in a long time. You can also leave random notes of encouragement in places like coffee shops or libraries. I once saw a random sticky note left on a changing table in a public bathroom addressed to ‘The Mom who is struggling or tired today.’ It simply said, “you are doing a great job keeping your child alive. You can do this today.”

For more ideas and to learn more about the National Day of Encouragement, please visit: https://nationaltoday.com/national-day-of-encouragement/

I encourage all of you to get out there and do something kind for someone today, even by writing a review on Etsy for an artist can go a long way in making someone feel uplifted. Remember the smallest acts of kindness can have the biggest impacts on a person’s heart.

Be well. Keep writing. Keep creating.

As always, I love to hear from my readers. Leave a comment letting me know what you did today to celebrate National Day of Encouragement.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Purpose over passion

Every quarter I ask my students an essential question. This question guides the purpose for the materials we read and the discussions we have as well what we journal about. I decided to apply this method to the writer side of me and ask myself an essential question. This question had to be one that is not related to my teaching career but one that will reignite my creative writing career. One that will keep the motivation going when abandoning my writing is too tempting.

Essential Question: Do you follow your passion or your purpose?

We are often passionate about a lot of things. And that’s great! Believe me, as a Gemini, I have a lot of interests that I can easily devote my time and energy to, but is it my purpose? Following a passion is easy. It brings immediate gratification. Much like how our phones bring us instant gratification for what we are doing in the moment. It’s a tough question to answer honestly, but you must ask, does this passion serve my purpose? If the answer is no, then we’ve got some work to do. For me, I am now asking myself, does this passion serve my purpose? Is it serving in a way that gives me a mental break from writing, aka my purpose? Does it busy my time to the point of depleting my energy which doesn’t support my purpose?

Following your purpose is counter-cultural. Culture tells us, just like I was told, and bought into, that there is a path in life. This path is an obligation and the only way to success and happiness is by following this formulaic path. As a culture we allow this path to dictate what is normal, what it means to “pay our dues” to chase after the elusive work-life balance, and it often dictates measurements of success. This path is easy to follow because countless generations have taken it and passed on this ideology to the next generation. Just because this path is deeply woven into our culture and into our families, it doesn’t mean it’s satisfying.

So, don’t take this path just because others are telling you this is the way things are done, that this is the only way to have success or happiness in your career. Allow yourself to make your own path if it nourishes your purpose. Your purpose is worth your time. As for those things that you are passionate about, keep the ones that support your purpose. When you are living in your purpose, you can freely give more time to your passions without depleting the time and energy needed for your purpose. Be like Robert Frost and take [the road] “less traveled by” and let it make all the difference in your life.

I’d love to hear from you! What are you passionate about? What is your purpose in life? How did you come about finding your purpose? Do you separate passion from purpose?