Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Writing through anxiety

About three weeks ago, sheer terror took over my brain as I tried to get myself into school. I pulled over to the side of the road trying to catch my breath, but my breathing was labored while my stomach churned out one wave of nausea after another. My heart pounded my chest wall like it no longer wanted to remain in my body. Every nerve in my body reacted to every sound with a jolt of electric shocks while my muscles twitched. This was the worst panic attack of my life.

The following days were plagued with manic bouts of sobbing. My body was releasing an immense array of emotions. Positive and negative thoughts swung like a heavy pendulum with no rest in the middle. I lost all sense of who I was and couldn’t feel any sort of my old self. My support circle of my husband, my son, my family, and friends immediately surrounded me in love and prayer. They became my stable ground while I lost all sense of being able to stand on my own.

As the days continued with my husband by my side, my son reassuring me, and my family and friends checking in throughout the day, my body and brain continued on this path of panic. Tense muscles twitched me awake throughout the night. Guilt wakes me up early mornings knowing there are no subs to cover my team at work. As I tried to continue to press through the day with the most mundane tasks of showering and eating, I was continually assaulted by those electric shocks numbing my chest and limbs. This was tearing me down.

I decided to take a medical leave of absence. This was the hardest decision of my professional life. It was a quick decision but one that had to be made sooner rather than later. Beyond the basics of knowing that I could not be responsible for young adults at this time, the weight of not having to put on a mask of calm to get through the day, was a deep breath that I needed.

As I continue to heal and go through trials of various medications, I am learning to give my body the time it needs to heal because I only have this one body and one mind. The healing process is a tug of war with my ego. My body and mind have been on a steady decline of brokenness and my ego kept me going for all the wrong reasons. So while the breakdown was slow, my ego expects a quick fix. Relearning how to be in rest is challenging but for a nervous system that is on hyperdrive, rest is necessary.

When the meds don’t have me in a fog, I will write my way through this journey. And with every [writing] journey, pacing is everything, being present is necessary, and forgiveness is essential. I am more determined than ever to resurface my purpose through writing. Putting words on the page is my breath and my best defense against an anxious beast wanting to do nothing more than escalate and spiral me far from reality.

If you are struggling with your mental health, please do not suffer alone. Find your circle of support and if you aren’t sure where to turn, please contact 988 for help.

Please leave a comment of encouragement, empowerment, or your story. It’s only when we openly talk about mental health that we can begin to remove the stigmas and heal.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Purpose over passion

Every quarter I ask my students an essential question. This question guides the purpose for the materials we read and the discussions we have as well what we journal about. I decided to apply this method to the writer side of me and ask myself an essential question. This question had to be one that is not related to my teaching career but one that will reignite my creative writing career. One that will keep the motivation going when abandoning my writing is too tempting.

Essential Question: Do you follow your passion or your purpose?

We are often passionate about a lot of things. And that’s great! Believe me, as a Gemini, I have a lot of interests that I can easily devote my time and energy to, but is it my purpose? Following a passion is easy. It brings immediate gratification. Much like how our phones bring us instant gratification for what we are doing in the moment. It’s a tough question to answer honestly, but you must ask, does this passion serve my purpose? If the answer is no, then we’ve got some work to do. For me, I am now asking myself, does this passion serve my purpose? Is it serving in a way that gives me a mental break from writing, aka my purpose? Does it busy my time to the point of depleting my energy which doesn’t support my purpose?

Following your purpose is counter-cultural. Culture tells us, just like I was told, and bought into, that there is a path in life. This path is an obligation and the only way to success and happiness is by following this formulaic path. As a culture we allow this path to dictate what is normal, what it means to “pay our dues” to chase after the elusive work-life balance, and it often dictates measurements of success. This path is easy to follow because countless generations have taken it and passed on this ideology to the next generation. Just because this path is deeply woven into our culture and into our families, it doesn’t mean it’s satisfying.

So, don’t take this path just because others are telling you this is the way things are done, that this is the only way to have success or happiness in your career. Allow yourself to make your own path if it nourishes your purpose. Your purpose is worth your time. As for those things that you are passionate about, keep the ones that support your purpose. When you are living in your purpose, you can freely give more time to your passions without depleting the time and energy needed for your purpose. Be like Robert Frost and take [the road] “less traveled by” and let it make all the difference in your life.

I’d love to hear from you! What are you passionate about? What is your purpose in life? How did you come about finding your purpose? Do you separate passion from purpose?

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Happy birthday, America!

Happy fourth of July, America! Another year to celebrate all that this country has been through and continues to face. As we celebrate America’s birthday with all things “American” – hamburgers, hot dogs, picnics, family gatherings, fireworks, concerts, work, and so much more, it got me thinking, what does celebrating the Fourth of July have to do with writing? A lot, but I’ll mention only a few that are on my mind.

First and foremost, America was born from an idea.

Much like stories, America was nothing more than an idea. That idea led to conversations that expanded into a more extended narrative and reached more and more people. These people then took upon the idea of freedom and fought hard for it, and because they put the word freedom into action, a new nation was born. That is America’s history at its core. A nation born from an idea.

America’s narrative continues to undergo edits and rewrites, year after year. If you are a writer, you know that your first piece of writing must undergo edits and revisions before leaving your computer. No one, and I mean no one who wants a career in writing, will ever submit the first draft to an agent, editor, or even their blog without a few rewrites or edits. And that’s how this great country survives and thrives. I will not get into the politics of rewriting history, but whether we like it or not, America is undergoing a revision. And as writers, we know revisions can be long, arduous, and painful but necessary.

So, my dear America, I want to tell you on your birthday: stay strong. You will survive all that we have faced this past year, and you will continue to thrive. How do I know this? Because you are that never-ending novel that doesn’t want to stay in the top drawer, you have never-ending revisions, and with each passing year, authors write their version of your original idea – freedom and justice for all.

Happy Birthday, America!

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Feature Friday: Called To Create by Jordan Raynor

Welcome to Feature Friday – the last Friday of the month, when I chat about books on the craft of writing. Being a writer takes a great deal of confidence and honesty. We are continually seeking improvement. Whether we are looking to improve our skills or improve habits, it can feel like a never-ending journey. But as I always say, “Writing is a journey meant to be shared.”

To kick off the new year, I always start with reminding myself of why I’m on this writing journey. Why do I have such a pull to write fiction? Why do I become irritable and unbearable when I haven’t had much time to sit and create? Why do I subject myself to rejection? Why do I write?

For me, it’s a calling that God has placed on my heart. I’m not on this journey for stardom or with high expectations of being a New York Times Bestseller. I’m on this journey because God gave me this gift to write stories for children and young adults. He has also given me the gift of teaching, so I create journals to help other writers and creatives. You may or may not know this about me, but God is the center of my life. I grew up with strong, independent, faithful women in my life, and I am no different. But does having God at the center of it all make it easier for me to write? Nope! Do I wish God would magically fill the pages for me? Yes, please! But God doesn’t work that way. I work for Him, and I should fulfill His calling in my life.

As a fictional writer, I often struggle with whether or not what I’m writing or creating will please God. It’s a battle other Christian authors wrestle with too. We have the likes of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, whose stories have withstood the test of time with God deeply woven into their works without many realizing it. Today’s authors include Ted Decker and his daughter Rachel Decker and Lindsay Cummings – all fiction writers deeply rooted in their faith. So how does a creative person balance their faith with creating something for all, even those who are non-believers?

About a year or two ago, I learned about a book in the YouVersion Bible App titled, Called to Create by Jordan Raynor. I was in a writing slump and facing yet another year of not finishing anything that I began. I questioned why God would give me all these beautiful ideas if I couldn’t get any of them through the valley to the promised land or, in this case, to the promised page. I struggled with the biggest question that Jordan tackles in his book, “who am I writing this story for?” If you are anything like me and your entrepreneurial business or your writing or anything that requires divine creativeness feels sluggish, get this book. It shifts your mindset into realizing that God was the first creative. He is the first entrepreneur. He is the creator of all creatives. And if someone ever asks, “why do you write if it’s so hard?” After reading this book, your response will be apparent… “Following the call to create means that we no longer work to make a name for ourselves; we work for the glory of the One who has called us.” 

If you are struggling, get some quiet time to be alone with your thoughts or go for a walk and ask yourself why. Why do you write? Why do you want to write? Get to know your why, and everything else will fall into place after that. If you are struggling with a specific story or character, ask yourself or your character, why? Why are they on this journey? Why is this story important to tell? 

As I always say, “Writing is a journey meant to be shared.” 

What have you been called to create? I’d love to hear where you are on your writing journey. If there is a way for me to support you, please let me know!

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching! Order your copy of Writers on Task (a task specific journal for writers) or my latest release, Scribbles and Squiggles (a doodling book to get your creativity flowing) today on Amazon!