Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Navigating Grief

Where have I been?

Since around Christmas time, I felt myself slipping into a deep rut of grief. As we rang in the New Year, my family suffered yet another loss – this time, it was my father-in-law. To say I was angry would be an understatement. I couldn’t take yet another loss of someone I truly loved and continued asking God, why? Why so many, so quickly? All these deaths were happening too fast. In the last year, I lost two Great Aunts who were a cornerstone in my childhood. Then, the unexpected loss of my father. Next was the loss of my father-in-law, whom I had known since I was 16. And of recent, my dear Uncle. Again, this is another family member who was the solid foundation of my childhood. With all these hits to my foundation, I feel the ground under me has turned to sand.

What makes navigating so much loss difficult is how life goes on.

Denise Hartzler

As a teacher, we have to play the part of positivity and strength. Teaching has been a mere distraction during this shift these last few months and has left me spent. I am slowly pulling myself out of the pit of exhaustion and sorrow. I have found comfort in reading the Bible every day, my husband (who is grieving too), our son’s hockey matches and lacrosse games, and surrounding myself with my mom and sisters, along with a few close friends. I have also turned back to therapy. Here is what I have covered with my therapist thus far…

Embracing Your Emotions

“When faced with grief, it’s important to allow yourself to feel and process your emotions,” said my therapist. I struggle to allow myself to feel emotions because processing emotions becomes difficult at work. The sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion hits you when you least expect it. It’s like a tidal wave of emotions, and you have two options: embrace it and let it pour out, or delay it by hiding it and letting it go later. The former is the ideal, but in reality, the latter wins out. My therapist has tried reassuring me that it’s okay to grieve in my way and at my own pace, yet finding peace has eluded me.

Finding Support and Connection

During grief, seeking support and connection with others who can offer comfort and understanding is essential. Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who can provide a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, and a sense of community during your darkest moments. Remember, you are not alone in your pain.

Seeking Spiritual Guidance

For many, including myself, finding solace in spiritual beliefs and practices can offer a sense of comfort and healing during times of grief. Turning to biblical verses on healing and ways to be comforted has provided strength and reassurance amid life’s challenges. I often remind myself of Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Practicing Self-Care

My therapist reminds me often that taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually is essential when navigating grief (as well as anxiety and depression). While she acknowledges that the following sounds cliche, she stresses its importance because we often lose sight of such healthy practices: 

  • Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace, such as journaling, long walks, prayer, exercise, or spending time in nature.
  • Nourish the physical body with healthy foods and make rest and relaxation a priority.
  • Be gentle with yourself as you move through the healing process (again, challenging for me).

Finding Meaning and Purpose

While this grief feels overwhelming and all-consuming, I am learning that it can also be a catalyst for personal growth and transformation. I find myself reflecting on the values instilled in me by each of my relatives and the legacy I wish to leave. I am hopeful that finding meaning and purpose in grief will result in the renewal of hope and resilience.

By embracing emotions, seeking support, finding comfort in spiritual guidance, practicing self-care, and finding meaning in pain, I can navigate through grief with grace. I must remember I am stronger with God, family, and friends.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10

Personal note: I am forever thankful to my therapist at BetterHelp Online Counseling who has been guiding me through anxiety, panic attacks, depression, menopause, and now grief. The match of my values and needs with a licensed professional therapist was impeccable.

Legal: This article/blogpost is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Readers/Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Christmas Cocoa

Staying Healthy During Christmas: A Guide to Nourishing Your Body and Mind

Ah, Christmas! The season of joy, love, and… indulgence. It’s no secret that the holiday season often comes with a plethora of delicious treats and hearty meals that can easily derail our healthy eating habits. But fear not! With a little bit of planning and mindfulness, you can enjoy the festivities while still nourishing your body and setting yourself up for a healthy and refreshed start to the new year. 

In today’s blog post, I’m teaming up with one of the healthiest and most nutritiously disciplined people I know, my sister, Jill Dobrowansky. Jill has been a huge motivator and helps me with navigating the unfamiliar and often confusing world of nutrition. She is a master at reinventing family recipes and daily dishes with a healthy spin, which tastes the same. Most importantly, she is my oldest sister who is my biggest supporter of healthy living. Though this is a journey that I struggle with (hello carbs and chocolate addictions), I know I can always turn to her for advice and guidance. 

The Benefits of Healthy Eating – this is not a guilt trip, it’s a gift!

Before we dive into our guided interview, let’s take a moment to remind ourselves of the incredible benefits that healthy eating brings. Not only does it provide our bodies with the essential nutrients they need to function optimally, but it also boosts our energy levels, strengthens our immune system, and supports our mental well-being. By maintaining healthy eating habits during the holiday season, you’ll be giving yourself the gift of vitality and setting the stage for a successful year ahead.

Plan and Be Mindful

The key to staying on track with your healthy eating goals during Christmas is to plan and be mindful of your choices. Here are a few tips to help you navigate the holiday season with grace:

Set Realistic Expectations: It’s important to remember that Christmas is a time for celebration and enjoyment. Allow yourself to indulge in moderation without feeling guilty. Instead of striving for perfection, aim for balance and make conscious choices that align with your overall health goals.

Me: Jill, one small bite is usually my downfall. How can I avoid letting one small indulgence lead to full-on permission to consume said indulgence in mass quantities or daily? 

Jill: I love this question! Like you, I love small bites and ‘grazing’ too. This comes down to being in the moment and being cognizant of what you are eating. Our distractions (e.g., phones, conversations, streaming, etc.) keep us disconnected from what we are eating and how much we are eating. There are two things I like to do when I am eating at the holiday time:

  • Put my fork and or plate down in between bites. This gives your neurons time to process the signals they are getting from your stomach. The time in between each bite allows you to chew your food properly and to take a breath (or two). It also allows us to take a sip of water or beverage which also helps us digest our food and make us feel fuller sooner.
  • Give yourself grace. The holidays can be a busy time when we don’t even pay attention to what and how much we are eating. When we find that we might have overindulged, we need to reset the next day. Take some time in the morning to enjoy a mug of warm, lemon water, open your Bible, and show yourself the grace that Jesus gave us. Remind yourself that overindulgence does not define you, and every day is a new opportunity to start anew. 

Fill Up on Nutrient-Dense Foods: When attending holiday gatherings or hosting your own, make sure to include plenty of nutrient-dense foods on your menu. Load up on colorful fruits and vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains. These foods will not only provide you with essential vitamins and minerals but also help you feel satisfied and less likely to overindulge in less healthy options. 

Me: Each Christmas Eve we do a charcuterie board filled with dairy, meats, crackers, etc. How can we best weave in healthy grains and more veggies beyond olives? Can you share your recipe from last year? I think it was a hummus spread with pomegranates.

Jill: This is always a challenge! Each year, you request that I ‘bring the freshness’ to our Christmas Eve gathering. I always love this and look forward to making something new that everyone will enjoy. Truth be told, I think about this all year and what I can do to contribute to our typical charcuterie board with something everyone will enjoy and be surprised about. Last year, I tried a new recipe to sneak in some beans and it was a huge hit! Download the recipe card below!

Download Jill’s White Bean Christmas Crostini Recipe Below

Be Mindful of Portion Sizes: It’s easy to get carried away with large portions during festive meals. Practice mindful eating by paying attention to your body’s hunger and fullness cues. Take your time to savor each bite, and stop eating when you feel comfortably satisfied. Remember, you can always go back for seconds if you’re still hungry.

Me: I am terrible at portion control! I’ve tried smaller plates, and drinking water in between each bite, but portion control is hard! How can I best avoid letting my eyes set my portion? 

Jill:  This comes down to being in the moment and conscience of what you are doing. We have the tendency (guilty) to want to multitask when we are cooking, spending time with family, eating, etc. While we might be physically present in the moment, our brains are thinking about all the things we need and/or want to do. However, if we take the time to slow down and enjoy the moment, we are less likely to overindulge. Some ideas I keep in my back pocket for when I am feeling like I am letting my portions get out of control are: 

  • Conversation Starters (putting your plate down as you listen attentively)- ask the eldest family member to share one of their favorite Christmas memories; ask everyone to share their favorite Christmas tradition; ask everyone to share what they are thankful for this Christmas; share your fondest memory from the past year.
  • Leaving the Room – If you are not sitting down for a formal dinner, this strategy has helped me throughout the years. When I find myself consumed with the food in front of me, I will go into another room and remove myself from the temptation of eating everything in front of me. This allows me to take a couple of deep breaths, relax, and refocus my attention from the food to something else (typically the Christmas tree and all its ornaments or decorations). 
  • Step Outside – When we are visiting your house, I have the option to step out of the kitchen and onto the back deck. Similar to leaving the room, it allows me a moment to take a deep breath, get some fresh air, and reset my mindset to focus on the peace and joy of the season. Typically, I will look up to the sky, thank God for sending Jesus into the world on Christmas, and think about how the shepherds who were told about the birth of the Messiah looked up to the same sky. It won’t be a long time I am out there, only a few minutes, but it is enough to get crisp air into my lungs and take a moment for myself.  

Stay Hydrated: Amidst all the holiday cheer, don’t forget to stay hydrated. Drinking enough water throughout the day will not only keep you feeling refreshed but also help curb unnecessary snacking. Opt for water or herbal teas instead of sugary drinks or alcohol, which can add empty calories and dehydrate your body.

Me: I don’t necessarily struggle with water consumption, but I know a lot of people do. What are some ways to make water consumption more appetizing, especially if you are avoiding alcohol or sugary, fizzy drinks:

Jill: The holidays are a perfect time to spruce up your water! I love to add frozen cranberries as ice cubes to my water or fresh orange slices to bring a bit of festivity to my glass. Another thing I do is to have my water in a ‘fancy glass’. Whether that is a wine glass, champagne flute, or fine crystal, I will put my beverage in it. I especially love to pour a champagne flute of sparkling water or ginger ale, add some frozen cranberries or pomegranate seeds, and toast the night away! Another thing I do is to make sure I front-load my water earlier in the day. From the moment I wake up and throughout the day, I drink my water. This way, my body isn’t dehydrated from the start. I also make sure I have a large glass of water before I go to bed. Typically this is room-temperature water so it can aid in overnight digestion. 

Incorporate Physical Activity: Maintaining an active lifestyle is just as important during the holiday season. Find ways to incorporate physical activity into your daily routine, whether it’s going for a brisk walk, dancing to your favorite holiday tunes, or joining a virtual workout class. Not only will exercise help burn off those extra calories, but it will also boost your mood and reduce stress.

Me: I hate exercising. I love walking but that’s truly about it. I tend to see getting housework and yard work done as a form of exercise, but I know it’s not enough. And as an avid reader and writer, I do tend to sit for longer periods of time. What do you do when you don’t feel the motivation to work out? What do we do on these dark, cold, often rainy/dreary days? 

Jill: Lol…I am the opposite as I love to exercise. Like you, I do sit for long periods of time writing and reading but I use what I have dubbed the ‘book-end’ approach to exercising. In the mornings, I will go for a walk, run, or hit the gym for a quick strength-building session. Then, at the end of the day, typically before bed, I will take 15-20 minutes to stretch or complete a yoga series. This way I am starting my day with movement and ending it with movement. Another thing I do over the holiday season is adjust the length of my workouts. There is nothing wrong with only working in a 30-minute morning session instead of an hour or just finishing my day with a series of stretches before bed instead of a full yoga session. 

Another approach is to set your smartwatch, ring, or phone to remind you to stand up and move (and drink a glass of water) every hour on the hour. My smartwatch has a schedule I set to remind me to stand up, move, and drink 8 ounces of water every hour based on my non-sleep times. There are days when my movement is walking up and down the stairs in my house a couple of times, but every little thing counts! If you do not have a smartwatch or ring, there are free apps you can put on your phone that will give you reminders.

Seek Support and Accountability: Enlist the support of your loved ones in your quest for healthy eating during Christmas. Share your goals with them and ask for their understanding and encouragement. Consider finding an accountability partner who shares similar health aspirations, and together, you can navigate the holiday season with ease.

Me: I don’t have a question, but I want to thank you for always being my biggest supporter and champion for health. You have truly helped me and continue to help me as I go through menopause and approach 50 years old with adopting a healthy eating appreciation so that I can live long – big LOVE!

Jill: I am honored to be a part of your blog and journey! We are so blessed to be able to love and support each other through life, menopause and all. Merry Christmas!

Embrace the Joy of Healthy Eating

Remember, healthy eating doesn’t have to be a chore or a sacrifice. Embrace the joy of nourishing your body with wholesome foods that make you feel vibrant and alive. Use this holiday season as an opportunity to explore new recipes, experiment with seasonal produce, and discover the pleasure of mindful eating.

By keeping up your healthy eating habits during Christmas, you’ll not only enjoy the festivities guilt-free but also set yourself up for a healthy and refreshed start to the new year. So, go ahead and savor the flavors of the season while nourishing your body and mind. Cheers to a happy and healthy holiday season!

Need more recipe ideas or a reset for the new year? Visit Jill’s best-selling book: Faith and Fasting on Amazon Jill’s IG Page, The Plant Powered Pantry for that much-needed healthy motivation in your feed! 

Disclaimer: The information in this blog post should not be taken as medical advice. If you require a medical diagnosis or prescription, or if you are contemplating any major dietary change, please consult with a certified healthcare provider. You should always seek an expert opinion before making changes in your diet, supplement regime, or lifestyle.

Christmas-Crostini-Recipe-CardDownload
Posted on by Denise Hartzler · 1 Comment

Motivational Writing Tips: Part II

In last week’s post, we discussed getting into a motivational mindset for any writer struggling or needing a reset. Now is the perfect time to shift your mindset from struggling to striving because the seasons are about to change, and NaNoWriMo preparation month is only a few weeks away! 

This week, let’s focus on the next four steps in our 12 steps of cultivating a positive writer’s mindset. Here we go:

4. Morning Routine: You will hear this in every motivational mindset training known to humankind. Ask any successful person, and they will tell you that they have a non-negotiable morning routine – it is a routine that they rarely skip out on and never apologize for having. This routine travels with them as well. Hotels. Family vacations. Bad weather. Good weather. There are no excuses for skipping out on their morning routine. Starting your day with prayers, positive affirmations, exercise, journaling, or watching the sun rise has endless benefits on your mindset. It sets a positive tone for the day. It may feel like the only positive thing that happens on some days! It may be the only task you accomplish on some days. But again, it sets the tone for the day. Make your morning routine positive and non-negotiable. If you don’t feel like getting out of bed, do the Mel Robbins 5-4-3-2-1 countdown. Remember your ‘why’ ~ remind yourself why you are getting out of bed.

5. Visualize Success: I am new to practicing visualizing (or manifesting). It follows the general law of attraction. If you can see it, you can be it. I encourage you to visualize your writing success. Imagine the accomplishment and joy you’ll feel when you complete your writing project. Several authors I know take pictures of themselves sitting on a mini-stage in Barnes and Noble. They imagine what it will be like when they are a guest speaker reading from their novel. Once you have your success image, have faith that God (or whatever higher power you believe in) will make it bigger than you can imagine. I often talk about ways to serve others with or without commercial success. After all, helping someone who is facing a struggle or is just beginning something you have been working on for years is what we need in this world, especially now more than ever.

6. Practice Self-Compassion: Writing can be challenging, and setbacks are a normal part of the process. I encourage you to practice self-compassion and treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer to a friend. I listened to a conversation with Matthew McConaughey last week in which he talks about how to be the best version of ourselves to serve others. The biggest takeaway was when he said, “We must learn how to be selfish to be selfless.” It was a simple statement, but it is heavily weighted in truth. To be the best versions of ourselves, we must take care of ourselves first, and then we can help others. We can serve other’s needs because most of ours have been met. Think about what needs you have right now. For me, my physical health needs attention. I need to overhaul how I eat for my body to feel well. So, I have to comfort myself by giving it organic foods that will fuel me rather than the inflammation. All summer, I’ve been practicing mindfulness. I’m taking time to pray and journal at sunrise. This small 30-minute practice gives my anxious brain time to be calm. It gives me time to breathe in peace. Another trick by Mel Robbins is the High-5 habit. Every morning, she looks herself in the eye in the bathroom mirror and gives herself a high-5 – physically touching her hand to the mirror. Giving yourself this type of encouragement is a form of self-compassion. It feels awkward at first, but it can be powerful.

7. Find Inspiration: If you are stuck in a writing rut, I want to help you discover sources of inspiration. Whether reading other authors’ work, exploring new genres, or taking nature walks, finding what fuels your creativity can make the writing journey more enjoyable. If you are tired of walking in nature or around your neighborhood, go to a coffee shop in a nearby metropolitan area and people-watch. Immerse yourself in a new environment. Take a journal with you to capture the moment using all five senses. And vice-versa. If you live in a city, go to a nearby park. Taking an informational course can be inspirational to your writing. Seek out free online seminars about topics you always wanted to learn about. I have a very active public library that always hosts hands-on workshops or lectures, and it’s all free. One day, I found an old church and asked if I could sit in the chapel. I sat there for nearly an hour, taking in the stained glass windows, listening to the pew creaking under my shifting weight, and noticing the smell of frankincense and lemon polish. If there’s one thing I am sure about, it’s that to find inspiration, we must unplug. Unplug from the phones and the noise of the world (even if it’s positive). Start by taking a few minutes and then a few hours, eventually taking breaks for an entire day. It will feel good, I promise. You might have some anxiety initially, but the more you ditch the noise, the calmer you will feel.

This mini-series aims to bring you closer to your writing dreams and help you breathe new life into your writing life. Making subtle shifts can have profound effects on your life. Come back next week for the final four tips! 

I’d love to hear if any of these tips resonate with you and if you have tried them or plan to give them a shot! Remember, writing is a journey worth sharing.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 10

I am moving into week two of shifting my mindset and opening myself up to self-love. Opening up to self-love is not the same as becoming a narcissist. It’s simply opening up to self-forgiveness and letting go of the person I once was ~ a person full of fear and smallness.

If we want to become a more positive energy in this world, we must ditch self-defeating talk and thought patterns. A lack of self-love led me to isolate my God-given gift of writing from the world. It has made me a people pleaser, always caring for others while putting myself and my time at the bottom. Doing this for several years made me resentful. It exhausted me. It’s distracted me from my true calling in life. It made me small. So small that I could never believe that I deserved to dream big or feel I was worthy of big blessings in life ~ it was just a new form of that scarcity mindset. And now that I am facing turning 50, it’s time to reverse this trend. It’s time to learn to love myself as God has designed me.

To start reversing the adverse effects, I must take the next few days and begin the deep dive (again) into how this smallness has made me bypass opportunities, how this smallness has made me afraid to take risks, and how I allowed the scarcity mindset to keep me in this endless loop of stagnation.

I will specifically journal the following prompts while keeping in mind what the bible says about forgiveness: 

  • Where have I been limiting myself?  
  • What have I asked for and received? 
  • What have I received and squandered away?
  • What doors have I consciously shut? 
  • What opportunities have been presented to me that I wasn’t qualified, talented, or intelligent enough for? 
  • Am I willing to take responsibility for this scarcity mindset? 
  • Am I willing to take responsibility and ask God for forgiveness? 

Forgiveness restores broken relationships (Genesis 50:17). 

Forgiveness is a path to love (Luke 7:47). 

Forgiveness precedes healing (Luke 5:17-26). 

God tells us to forgive instead of seeking revenge or bearing a grudge (Leviticus 19:18).

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 3

When I was a child, I used to think that when people argued in a restaurant, I would see a table flipped over with scattered food and drinks. It would be exciting. Not so exciting for those who would be left to clean up the mess, but it’s got me thinking about how dramatically the story changed once someone flipped that table. 

Similarly, I am flipping my fears to change my story dramatically. While in this process of inverting my mindset, I am going through a wide range of emotions. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not to confuse excitement with fear. My mind automatically defaults to fear, just like specific physical symptoms invoke anxiety and panic in me. It has taken me months of work to rewire my brain to know that those symptoms are nothing more than pent-up energy that needs to be released. 

In the same process, I am rewiring my brain and rewriting my narrative that when I have thoughts of scarcity, I will replace them with thoughts of abundance and love. 

I am also weaving gratitude into my abundance practice. I’ve kept journals of gratitude before, but they were on the surface level. I never entirely went deep for gratitude. So my list looked like this: I am grateful for waking up, my family, the person who helped me at school, my home, my parents, etc. Now that I am beginning to trust that gratitude is more substantial than fear, my list is changing.  

What I am grateful for this morning: 

I am grateful that the sunrise wakes me up warmly, softly, rather than a panic-inducing alarm.

I am grateful to have clean air to fill my lungs when breathing deeply.

I am grateful to be surrounded by my family’s love while writing my Father’s eulogy. 

I am grateful to have access to God’s word and presence daily. 

Today’s prayer: God, I release my scarcity mindset and anxious energy and replace it with love and gratitude for all the blessings you have given me. 

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we eat? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matthew 6: 31-24).

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 1

Welcome to my Summer of Love short blog series, where I will uncover my fears and begin the transformation process of choosing love over fear. This is not a series on overcoming fears of roller coasters, swimming in the ocean, etc. though if that happens – yay! It’s more of a spiritual transformation that will require being in the presence of God, prayer and meditation, and forgiveness so that I may step out of this old way of living and realign my narrative with God’s purpose for my life. 

Day 1: Witnessing my fears. Fear is like water. It moves until it is obstructed or cut off at its source. Fear will seep into every aspect of life until it is cut off. How do we get to the source? First, by witnessing and paying attention to triggers and emotions that affect behaviors.

F – false

E – evidence

A – appearing

R- real

My fears stem from scarcity. Somewhere along the way, I bought into the narrative that there was never enough. Never enough: food, money, love, and attention. I needed to be more intelligent, talented, and disciplined to pursue my dreams. It has stopped me more times than I care to admit, but that’s why I’m here. 

As difficult as this is to write, I am fully committed to this transformation, so it’s time to be honest. I have allowed fear and this scarcity mindset to stop me from living a life God designed for me. Living outside of my purpose has kept me living small. 

Fear and this scarcity mindset have led me to take jobs that drain my energy. It’s the cause of my mindless shopping. It’s permitted me to eat poorly. It’s taught me to crumple up and hide my purpose like a child sneaking candy. It has kept me up at night. It has pushed my body to the breaking point. I have continually stamped down on the seed God planted in my heart. He knows this, and while I am ashamed of doing this to Him, I am grateful for his forgiveness and unconditional love. 

Stepping into God’s forgiveness has opened my eyes and heart to know and understand the source of my fears. It’s allowing me to admit how ugly it has made me feel, which is the first step in this transformation. So where do I go from here? 

I start my day by reading my bible and ensuring I keep Romans 12:2 at the forefront of my day. Romans 12:2 is the bible verse that brought me back to God about 9 years ago. It is committed to my memory, and when I stray too far off course for too long, it begins to pop up all around me. It’s the bumper sticker on the car in front of me. It’s the IG posts from Christian influencers. It’s the message of the weekly sermon. It’s a gentle reminder that it is time to get back in alignment with God’s word and His purpose for my life. 

In case you are unfamiliar, Romans 12:2 states, “Do not conform to the ways of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”   

It’s time (yet again) to step into my purpose and step out of doing what no longer serves my purpose in life. When we step out of fear’s grasp, we make space for God to guide us and lead us to creative ways of reaching our genuine selves and potential. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey. Today is Day 1, and I hope you will continue with me until Day 30. Until tomorrow, give your body, mind, and spirit some much-needed grace. 

I’d love to start a new conversation with you. Leave me a comment telling me which bible verse or a saying is closest to your heart. 

Posted on by Denise Hartzler · 1 Comment

My father’s love

On April 27th, I lost my father. It’s a deep sadness that I’ve only experienced once before when my grandmother passed, but this feels heavier and more profound. I always knew my father’s time was limited and his passing would come. I didn’t expect it to be so sudden.

I tried writing this on the day I flew out to Arizona, but words weren’t easy. Day 1 came with a lot of crying and grieving. Day 2 was slightly better, but saying goodbye to my husband and son before heading out to Arizona nearly broke me. The waves of sadness came like the turbulence on the plane. I swung from a relaxed and almost weightless feeling with normal breathing to waves thrashing me around from a simple memory. My head hurt from crying so much, and there was nothing I could do other than lean into those I love and lean into God for guidance and comfort.

My father was a good man. He came from humble parents and led a simple life that always put family first. When he married my mom and adopted my sisters and me, we became a family. I was only six when he became our father so he has and will always be the only father I had in my life. One of my earliest memories was sitting in a judge’s chamber answering if I wanted to accept him as my father. I don’t have any emotions tied to that day but the one day that I do remember is going into school learning how to write my new last name, Kinney. My biological name, Rapach, stills hold a place in my timeline but it does not hold any weight like my maiden name, Kinney.

As I reflect on my father’s life, I can’t help but think of his generosity. He would do anything within his power to help anyone. He didn’t make much money driving trucks, but he did what he could. My father took on so many roles when we were growing up. He was an umpire in softball. An active marching band parent. A spectator of field hockey and tennis. A chess partner. He was our bowling instructor, captain, competitor, and biggest fan. Beyond these ordinary never-ending activities of three girls, the most important thing he gave us were his unconditional love and a secure family.

While going through my teenage years, I was not an easy teen – not as challenging as my oldest sister, yet not as good as my middle sister. I learned a lot of lessons from them, and I think my father knew this because our conversations were different than those he had with my sisters. This isn’t to say I didn’t test his patience because I did, but I also knew I could call him at any hour for help. And that’s the ultimate role of a father, isn’t it? To be there.

I don’t know who I’d be if I didn’t have him when I was growing up. I don’t know how to do life without him just yet. He’d say I ‘no longer need him’ because he did his job well, but I will always need him. What I need to learn is how to look for him in the small and big moments of life. I keep telling myself that if I pay attention more to this world around me, I’ll see that he isn’t gone forever.

As I’m sitting outside writing this with the trees blowing a cool breeze, I think of how a family is like these trees – broken branches, small branches sprouting from the strong trunk while others are sprouting out from limbs, brave branches reaching for the sky in all directions, old bark slowly peeling ready to return to the ground, closely stacked branches providing a place to shelter, a sturdy and fully exposed trunk, and unseen roots stretching far wide giving water and nutrients keeping the whole tree grounded – keeping it all alive. It makes me think of all the branches of my family providing me with strength, protection, and love.

As I said, I knew his end was coming, but that small child in me thought he’d be here forever. The adult in me knows that the love he blessed with me these last 43 years will last forever in my heart. I miss you a lot, Dad.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Leaning in…

I cannot believe I haven’t blogged since Christmas time! I drafted several blog posts, but what I wrote didn’t feel fitting. One day it’ll be the right time, but right now, I’m exploring new territory with my writing and creating. I am looking at my writing with a new lens in this new space. I’m trying to find my voice and my stride. It takes much more discipline these days and a lot of consciousness, but the rewards of being deliberate with my time and aware of positive and negative influences bring me closer to my voice.

I am about to branch out into the side hustle world, and while I’m getting things ready to launch, my writing is expanding past my creative and teaching boundaries. I still love playing with words in a creative space. I still love the basics of academic and technical writing I model for my students. And it’s all happening on paper.

That’s right! I have returned to writing on paper. Not only is it less distracting and easier on my eyes, but it’s also grounding. It could also be the tactile experience that I am enjoying. And writing on paper slows me down – something both my body and brain need. Going slower has been a goal of mine since my time on leave last fall. We live in a rushed world, and when I don’t slow down and step off the proverbial hamster wheel, it negatively affects my mind, body, and soul; returning to pen and paper is healing.

I noticed that writing on paper, besides my messy handwriting, there is less pressure to get each and every word just right. That burden of making every word just right is nothing more than a form of perfectionism, which is why many writers fail to achieve goals. Typing to get every word right was an unconscious block for making progress. With handwriting, I’m also pushing past the urge to rewrite what I worked on the day before. It’s Newton’s law of motion – consciously moving my hand and thoughts forward keeps me moving forward. Another reason for writing by hand is the focus. My focus has severely declined over the last decade. It’s not just age (approaching 50); it’s the mental decline due to endless hours of zombie scrolling and zoning out on my phone and tablet. Yes, phones are great. Heck, I used to work for a mobile app company. So I get it. I actually love playing with technology, but it’s beginning to come at a price. Writing by hand genuinely strengthens my ability to calm my mind and body, allowing me enough stored energy to focus my thoughts to a satisfying conclusion. As my brain carefully considers each letter, word, or phrase, I gain more stamina to push out invading thoughts. Lastly, writing by hand improves my ability to express myself more authentically and allows me to communicate more complex ideas. It’s like a more profound sense of critical thinking. While it also serves as a blank playground where thoughts can expand and grow beyond the page.

In addition to writing on paper, I have been consciously practicing leaning into what brings me joy, energizes me, and makes me feel authentic. I also pay close attention to what depletes me and negatively impacts me. Whether it comes from food, news, the people around me, text messages, music, or my surroundings. They offer one thing: positive or negative energy. If I get sucked into the negative, I excuse myself and walk away or pivot my thoughts or the conversation to something more neutral or positive. Negative energy is sticky energy. It’s like pollen. It sticks to EVERYTHING! It often feels light, but it quickly becomes a weighty burden. This is where boundaries come into play. They are essential to establish. If you are a people pleaser, boundaries are difficult to practice but are critical to your well-being. By leaning into the good and the bad, I (re)learn more about myself and become more confident in protecting all that brings me joy without apologizing.

Just like life, writing is a journey. Some days are trying. Some days are smooth. Self-discovery is also a journey. Creating the life you want is 100% controllable by you. Therefore, I invite you on this journey with me because, as my tagline states, journies are meant to be shared.

I’d love to hear what journey you are on currently. Please drop a comment below, and let’s have a conversation.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Give Yourself Permission to Pause

The other day when I was watching tv with Chris, I asked him to pause the show while I ran upstairs to check on dinner. Why is it second nature for us to ask someone to “press pause when a show is playing,” but when we need a pause for our health, we hesitate, or worse, we keep life going in fast-forward motion? 

Last week, I skipped this blog because I ran out of steam. I returned to work last week and while the welcome back was warm and full of hugs, laughs, tears, and genuinely kind words, I didn’t have the energy to write this post. And guess what? That’s ok. I hit the pause button rather than pushing through.

Even this past Monday, after three days at work, I had to call out because I woke up with a fever, body aches, and deep congestion. I showered, got ready for work, and had all intentions of getting into school and teaching throughout the day. Then I sat down and paused for a moment. I leaned in and listened to my body. Within that brief moment, I realized how sick I’d become. Flu, RSV, COVID, and so many “unnamed” viruses are floating around in school. After I whipped out sub plans, I read through eight emails from students who all were around me last week and are now home with the flu. 

I also know my body does not do well when the weather changes. These last few days, we had the air conditioning back on. Yeah, let that sink in. It’s November. The air conditioning is on! The heat was on two weeks ago, and we’re about to turn it back on later this week when it’ll be in the forties at night. Anyways, as crazy as the weather is and the crazy amount of stuff floating around school, I’d inevitably get sick.   

Being sick doesn’t mean that you are weak. Is it an inconvenience? Yes. For teachers, I know it poses a problem with so few subs working this year. But when we are sick, it forces us to pause. Therefore, I encourage you to look at the positive, even if you feel miserable. 

I want you to imagine what you would feel like if you hit the pause button more often when you are not sick:   

  • Take time for yourself.
  • Take time for your family or for those you love dearly. 
  • Take time for your goals.
  • Take time for your dreams! 
  • Take time to be present. 
  • Take time to pray. 
  • Take time in nature. 

The list is endless! Just promise me that before the busyness of the holidays and the flu and cold season force you to pause, you hit the pause button without guilt.  

I’d love to hear from you! Share how you know when it’s time to hit pause and what you do during your pause.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

“Can we fix it? Yes! We Can!” Building a Mental Health Toolbox for Anxiety

Writing through Anxiety Blog Series #4

If I needed to borrow a tool, would you lend it to me? Some people will say sure, while others will not. People are very protective of their tools. Some have good reasons, like their tools never being returned or returned too many years too late. Hopefully, the tools I’m giving you today will help you build a toolbox you can use and give to someone else in need. I wish I could fix anxiety with panic disorder with just one tool, but thankfully, we are in an age where we have so many tools at our fingertips and so many good neighbors willing to share their tools 🙂  

Over these last few weeks, I’ve been writing about my recent anxiety and panic disorder that led me to go out on FMLA status from teaching. Today, we are discussing ways we can move through anxiety with the purpose of building a toolbox. 

To start, I want you to declare that your anxiety will no longer have power over you and the things you want to enjoy in life. This declaration can be a simple whisper to yourself, a written statement, or shouted (literally shouted from your gut) outside in nature. A positive, powerful mentality is essential. 

As a reminder, I’ve encouraged you since Blog 1 in this series to find your support people. Having a circle of support around you is crucial during this time. This community should surround you with love, understanding, and patience. Remember, healing never takes place in isolation. 

Now let’s talk about a toolbox. Remember Bob the Builder? “Can we fix it? Yes, we can!” Bob the Builder was a popular tv series whereby Bob and his pals (aka his community) solved problems with a positive attitude (mindset) and used all sorts of tools to fix things. Note: I am fully aware this is an animated, imaginary world full of positivity for children. However, that doesn’t mean we should discredit it and not apply it to our anxiety and debilitating panic. And I’m not downplaying the severity of anxiety or panic disorder. I know what it’s like to be in the ER for panic attacks.

First, healing anxiety relies on all the tools we have to assist us through the pain. What tools do I have in my arsenal? Prayer, Bible reading, meditation, breathing exercises, body tapping, walking, hypnotherapy, writing, and many conversations with my support circle. And as of last week, I mentioned using medications. Due to the severity of the side effects and being in a consistent state of feeling simultaneously drunk and hungover, I recently decided to stop the meds. I’m trying everything I can to stay holistic because that works best for my body. There is no judgment here, and you should NEVER feel ashamed if you include medications in your toolbox. 

Building a toolbox requires understanding how and why anxiety happens in the body. For me, it’s rarely thought-provoking anxiety, but I do have some thoughts that can trigger anxiety; however, not many. It’s a physical response to the stress in my world. So I recently learned about “leaning” into the pain and accepting that my body is sounding an alarm. It’s crying for attention. All the old habits and the physical pain stored deep in our cells comes to the surface in the form of anxiety and panic. When I feel heart palpitations or tension in my chest or shoulders, I stop what I am doing and place my hand on the part of my body where I feel the reaction happening. So if it’s that choking feeling, I gently put my hand on my throat area, take a 2- or 3-second breath and exhale twice the amount while quietly telling myself, “I am safe, or just simply ask my anxiety what it needs.” If I have to do this sitting down, walking around, or swaying side to side, that’s what I do. It doesn’t take it away, but it lessens the intensity. If you are interested in more of this type of technique, search “somatic therapy.” 

I also walk every day. Even on rainy days, I somehow manage to walk at least 2 miles outside. I invested in base layers of clothing to have zero excuses for not getting outdoors as the temperatures drop. It’s fall in Virginia which means it’s cold in the mornings and warmer in the afternoons. During my FMLA time, I have taken to doing sunrise walks. I love watching the sunrise at 7:20 every morning. There is something so peaceful about the rising sun and the colors of the leaves. I even found a rock to sit on under a canopy of yellow maple trees. The leaves are truly spectacular this time of the year. As a side note, I am not a runner, but on some mornings, when I feel a lot of built-up tension or vibrations in my chest, I do a slow run for a mile. I did two miles the other day because my body needed to move quickly, and it helped me release some deep breathing. 

Meditation. Most people believe you must empty your mind to meditate effectively. I beg to differ. Our minds inherently think. By nature, this is how they are wired. So why do we expect them to stop thinking while meditating or going into a state of quiet rest? Years ago, I learned to hear the thought but not follow it. So I often say, “don’t go down the rabbit hole.” If you are trying to quiet your mind and suddenly remember that you need to buy frozen peas and carrots, thank your brain for the reminder but don’t start building a grocery list. Return to your quiet mind and visualize where your breath is needed in your body to heal. For example, I imagine the inhale filling up my chest with clean air and the exhale expels the stress from my body. After a few clean breaths, I move on to another body part. I do this for about 3-5 minutes. That’s it. 

Body tapping is a fantastic exercise. I learned body tapping almost 20 years ago! I recently appreciated the benefits of knowing how to do body tapping during this latest episode of panic. I’ve recommitted to ensuring I go with some form of tapping during the day. As shown in the video listed below, you don’t have to tap your entire body; you can focus on the upper body to help relieve anxiety’s stagnant energy. I like doing whole-body tapping at the end of a long and stressful day. It’s like beating the dust off an area rug. 

I’m new to hypnotherapy. Listening to it right before bed is exceptionally relaxing. There is something about consciously melting into your mattress while unconsciously being told affirmations that I find comforting and helpful. Below is the link to the audio ones that I listen to and the books that has really helped me understand the physical storing of anxiety.  

As for bible reading and praying, I’ve always done this. Having that quiet time at the beginning of my day while reading the Bible is a habit I will never abandon. In the mornings, if my mind is racing or my body is tense, I begin reciting the Lord’s Prayer over and over. Repeating this prayer or a verse from the Bible helps ground me and makes me feel truly connected to God, and reminds me that I am never alone. My favorite Bible verse that I’m ready to tattoo on my body is Romans 12:2 – “Do not conform to the ways of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. ” 

Finally, make sure you have a support circle. My support comes from family and friends, who don’t judge me, and they can be called/texted at any time of the day. I also have a therapist who gives me tools and is a prayer warrior. Here in Virginia, and I’m sure in other states, after COVID, it is challenging to find a therapist with an opening that isn’t six-eight months out. I turned to Better Help, an online therapy platform. All it took was filling out a questionnaire, and they matched med immediately to someone. We now meet online weekly, and I can join small group therapy. It’s been a great tool! If you are trying to find a therapist and cannot get in to see one, please consider Better Help. They are affordable and convenient; you can choose a video or phone call, all in the comfort of your home. And I know what it feels like to have agoraphobia during anxiety and panic, so having the comfort of not leaving your home is essential. My work family is also a part of my support circle. They check in with me, give me space, and ask permission to chat about work. On the days when I said, “no, I can’t talk about work right now because I have too much anxiety,” they understood and still reached out to say hi or send cute cat memes or pictures of their pets.  

I hope that giving you a glimpse and a list of resources in my toolbox is helpful. I know how living with anxiety and panic disorder can be debilitating at times. I am returning to work tomorrow, and it has taken me close to six weeks to say this without panicking. I have a “panic buddy” ready at work to help me when my body wants to freeze or run away. I don’t know if I will openly discuss this with my students. Some may find this blog and read it anyways, and if they have questions, I will be honest. My journey is not over; just my medical leave is over. And without ruminating about what “might be” or “could be” in the future, which is not real because it hasn’t happened yet, I am learning to be present, and I’m learning to be a defender of my mental and physical health, even if it means redefining my life.

If you don’t want to read this exceptionally long narrative, here is a quick list of resources that make up my toolbox (these are not affiliate links): 

Better Help

Body Tapping – there are many other videos but this is how I learned to body tap almost 20 years ago

Meditation

Understanding Anxiety and Hypnotherapy – book and audio downloads

Somatic Therapy

My favorite pens and pencils for writing

Columbia Sports (base layers for colder weather)

Let’s keep the dialogue going. If you are comfortable, please leave me your story and experience with anxiety/panic attacks. Remember, we heal in community, not in isolation. My mission is to help others openly discuss their anxiety/panic and talking openly and honestly is the first step. If you have tools that have helped you, please share. Like my motto, “writing is a life-long journey meant to be shared,” I can now confidently say the same about healing my anxiety ~ it may be a life-long journey, but I’m grateful I can share it with you and those around me.

Disclaimer: This is by no means therapy or professional advice. This blog series is my narrative, my journey, that I am sharing with you in hopes of encouraging you to begin healing your anxiety.