Since around Christmas time, I felt myself slipping into a deep rut of grief. As we rang in the New Year, my family suffered yet another loss – this time, it was my father-in-law. To say I was angry would be an understatement. I couldn’t take yet another loss of someone I truly loved and continued asking God, why? Why so many, so quickly? All these deaths were happening too fast. In the last year, I lost two Great Aunts who were a cornerstone in my childhood. Then, the unexpected loss of my father. Next was the loss of my father-in-law, whom I had known since I was 16. And of recent, my dear Uncle. Again, this is another family member who was the solid foundation of my childhood. With all these hits to my foundation, I feel the ground under me has turned to sand.
What makes navigating so much loss difficult is how life goes on.
Denise Hartzler
As a teacher, we have to play the part of positivity and strength. Teaching has been a mere distraction during this shift these last few months and has left me spent. I am slowly pulling myself out of the pit of exhaustion and sorrow. I have found comfort in reading the Bible every day, my husband (who is grieving too), our son’s hockey matches and lacrosse games, and surrounding myself with my mom and sisters, along with a few close friends. I have also turned back to therapy. Here is what I have covered with my therapist thus far…
Embracing Your Emotions
“When faced with grief, it’s important to allow yourself to feel and process your emotions,” said my therapist. I struggle to allow myself to feel emotions because processing emotions becomes difficult at work. The sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion hits you when you least expect it. It’s like a tidal wave of emotions, and you have two options: embrace it and let it pour out, or delay it by hiding it and letting it go later. The former is the ideal, but in reality, the latter wins out. My therapist has tried reassuring me that it’s okay to grieve in my way and at my own pace, yet finding peace has eluded me.
Finding Support and Connection
During grief, seeking support and connection with others who can offer comfort and understanding is essential. Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who can provide a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, and a sense of community during your darkest moments. Remember, you are not alone in your pain.
Seeking Spiritual Guidance
For many, including myself, finding solace in spiritual beliefs and practices can offer a sense of comfort and healing during times of grief. Turning to biblical verses on healing and ways to be comforted has provided strength and reassurance amid life’s challenges. I often remind myself of Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Practicing Self-Care
My therapist reminds me often that taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually is essential when navigating grief (as well as anxiety and depression). While she acknowledges that the following sounds cliche, she stresses its importance because we often lose sight of such healthy practices:
Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace, such as journaling, long walks, prayer, exercise, or spending time in nature.
Nourish the physical body with healthy foods and make rest and relaxation a priority.
Be gentle with yourself as you move through the healing process (again, challenging for me).
Finding Meaning and Purpose
While this grief feels overwhelming and all-consuming, I am learning that it can also be a catalyst for personal growth and transformation. I find myself reflecting on the values instilled in me by each of my relatives and the legacy I wish to leave. I am hopeful that finding meaning and purpose in grief will result in the renewal of hope and resilience.
By embracing emotions, seeking support, finding comfort in spiritual guidance, practicing self-care, and finding meaning in pain, I can navigate through grief with grace. I must remember I am stronger with God, family, and friends.
“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10
Personal note: I am forever thankful to my therapist at BetterHelp Online Counselingwho has been guiding me through anxiety, panic attacks, depression, menopause, and now grief. The match of my values and needs with a licensed professional therapist was impeccable.
Legal: This article/blogpost is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Readers/Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.
When I was a child, I used to think that when people argued in a restaurant, I would see a table flipped over with scattered food and drinks. It would be exciting. Not so exciting for those who would be left to clean up the mess, but it’s got me thinking about how dramatically the story changed once someone flipped that table.
Similarly, I am flipping my fears to change my story dramatically. While in this process of inverting my mindset, I am going through a wide range of emotions. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not to confuse excitement with fear. My mind automatically defaults to fear, just like specific physical symptoms invoke anxiety and panic in me. It has taken me months of work to rewire my brain to know that those symptoms are nothing more than pent-up energy that needs to be released.
In the same process, I am rewiring my brain and rewriting my narrative that when I have thoughts of scarcity, I will replace them with thoughts of abundance and love.
I am also weaving gratitude into my abundance practice. I’ve kept journals of gratitude before, but they were on the surface level. I never entirely went deep for gratitude. So my list looked like this: I am grateful for waking up, my family, the person who helped me at school, my home, my parents, etc. Now that I am beginning to trust that gratitude is more substantial than fear, my list is changing.
What I am grateful for this morning:
I am grateful that the sunrise wakes me up warmly, softly, rather than a panic-inducing alarm.
I am grateful to have clean air to fill my lungs when breathing deeply.
I am grateful to be surrounded by my family’s love while writing my Father’s eulogy.
I am grateful to have access to God’s word and presence daily.
Today’s prayer: God, I release my scarcity mindset and anxious energy and replace it with love and gratitude for all the blessings you have given me.
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we eat? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matthew 6: 31-24).
Every quarter I ask my students an essential question. This question guides the purpose for the materials we read and the discussions we have as well what we journal about. I decided to apply this method to the writer side of me and ask myself an essential question. This question had to be one that is not related to my teaching career but one that will reignite my creative writing career. One that will keep the motivation going when abandoning my writing is too tempting.
Essential Question: Do you follow your passion or your purpose?
We are often passionate about a lot of things. And that’s great! Believe me, as a Gemini, I have a lot of interests that I can easily devote my time and energy to, but is it my purpose? Following a passion is easy. It brings immediate gratification. Much like how our phones bring us instant gratification for what we are doing in the moment. It’s a tough question to answer honestly, but you must ask, does this passion serve my purpose? If the answer is no, then we’ve got some work to do. For me, I am now asking myself, does this passion serve my purpose? Is it serving in a way that gives me a mental break from writing, aka my purpose? Does it busy my time to the point of depleting my energy which doesn’t support my purpose?
Following your purpose is counter-cultural. Culture tells us, just like I was told, and bought into, that there is a path in life. This path is an obligation and the only way to success and happiness is by following this formulaic path. As a culture we allow this path to dictate what is normal, what it means to “pay our dues” to chase after the elusive work-life balance, and it often dictates measurements of success. This path is easy to follow because countless generations have taken it and passed on this ideology to the next generation. Just because this path is deeply woven into our culture and into our families, it doesn’t mean it’s satisfying.
So, don’t take this path just because others are telling you this is the way things are done, that this is the only way to have success or happiness in your career. Allow yourself to make your own path if it nourishes your purpose. Your purpose is worth your time. As for those things that you are passionate about, keep the ones that support your purpose. When you are living in your purpose, you can freely give more time to your passions without depleting the time and energy needed for your purpose. Be like Robert Frost and take [the road] “less traveled by” and let it make all the difference in your life.
I’d love to hear from you! What are you passionate about? What is your purpose in life? How did you come about finding your purpose? Do you separate passion from purpose?
The number one way readers judge characters is by how much they change. Do they change, or are they static? Most characters must change, especially the main character, but what about others characters in a story? Do they all change? No matter how slight of a shift, all characters should change. If they don’t, they risk not being in the story.
Static characters got me thinking about writing and writing habits. Has your writing changed over these last few years? Have your habits remained static? Is the thought of writing word after word too heavy? If so, how do we push or pull ourselves out of this rut?
We must start by being honest. Ask yourself these questions and take time to ponder them:
Have you weighed yourself down with studying the craft of writing to the point of never putting it into practice? Learning the art of writing is essential. It must never stop, but it must not prevent you from starting or restarting your writing. I tell my students that we can study all week long, but we have to put what we are learning into practice at some point. It’s the only way to evolve.
Who is sitting at your table? In other words, who surrounds you? Are you feeding those around you more than you are feeding yourself? Are others starving you? Are the people you spend time with and energy on a time suck? It’s a tricky question to answer, and it can be painful. Too often, we find it easy to put others and their needs before our own. If you find yourself in one of these roles, it becomes even more tricky: a parent, a spouse, a caretaker, a teacher, a mentor, or a coach. These roles make it hard for us to find and take care of ourselves or our writing careers. We feel guilting saying ‘no’ to others to the point of sacrificing our dreams and energy. Writing requires creating boundaries. If you continue offering your time [and energy] helping others achieve their dreams, that book or blog may never come to reality. Note: I am not saying don’t take care of your children or elderly parents or a loved one that needs your help, but you should find carve out some time for yourself and writing – trust me, it’ll be hard at first, but rewarding in the end.
Are you consistent and disciplined? Discipline and consistency – two keys to a fulfilled writing life. You must be intentional with your writing and your time. Show up to the page no matter what! If you have the best ideas and your energy is high early in the morning before the world around awakes, set the alarm, get up, splash some water on your face, drink some water or coffee or tea and sit down to write. Even if it’s too early for the screen, show up for the page. I love writing with a good ol’ BiC ballpoint pen or pencil on paper. It’s less strain on my eyes. Once you begin to show up, be disciplined and consistent, I guarantee you’ll feel a shift. Tip: plan out the night before what you want to write. It’s takes away the distraction or the temptation to procrastinate.
What frightens you? For years I was afraid. I was fearful of what others thought about my writing. In the last few years, I’ve matured enough to know that I wasted too much time worrying about letting others down that I can confidently say I’ve let my characters down. I’ve let my ideas down. I let myself down. It has nothing to do with other people; it has everything to do with yourself. I know this sounds selfish, but after all, you are writing a story because something happened to you or you have something to say. Get it on paper. Find some trustworthy sets of eyes to read what you write. Now you may be thinking I’m too afraid to share what I write because ‘what if someone steals my ideas or my words?’ Most writers I know, I trust. I have a small circle of writer friends that I send work to because we’ve built trust. How? We’ve met at several writing retreats, we write in different genres (same age group), and we encourage each other through the hard times. I’ve removed the fear of someone stealing my story or ideas. Yes, this is a valid concern! However, it shouldn’t stop you from sharing your work when you need professional and honest feedback (this comes back to point #2, you may need to find a new table). So again, assess what is scaring you from getting your work out in the real world. I won’t go into the traditional v self-publishing debate but work on conquering your fears so your stories can find a home in someone else’s hands.
Do you start and stop? I am a chronic starter. I am an ideas person. I tried to blame it on my Gemini nature, but one day I laid out all the manuscripts I have started on my bed. These stacks of unfinished works took up a queen-size bed. The number of unfinished manuscripts was staggering! Talk about a slap-in-the-face dose of reality. I sat in that mess. I owned that mess. Once the self-berating emotions stopped, I made a pivot. I took sticky notes and began to write the good qualities of each manuscript, along with being honest about why I stopped. Some didn’t work. Others, I lost interest in the storyline. Some got stuck with too many plot holes, and I couldn’t find a way to fix them. In the end, there were less than four that I put aside. These are the ones I genuinely want to see published. Sometimes, we have to face the mess and begin to clean it up. If you are a chronic starter, it’s time to get honest with yourself. Ask yourself, why do I start and not finish? Am I a perfectionist, which is nothing more than fear in disguise? Do I have a genuine interest in writing? Do I have depression or ADD, something that is physically stopping me from producing a project? These are all valid reasons why people quit. You first need to face it head-on and ask for guidance or help.
Every little change will evolve you from being a static writer to a productive writer. Most importantly, I want you to be gentle with yourself. We all make mistakes. We all trip and stumble and fall. Don’t quit on your writing! Don’t quit on your writing dreams!
Which one will you focus on to help you get out of a writing rut? If you have other helpful hints to move out of a slump, please share! After all, writing is a journey meant to be shared.
Be sure to check out my Writers on Task journal. This simple, easy-to-follow journal can keep you moving towards your writing goals.
Denise Hartzler 