Summer of Love Series: Day 3

When I was a child, I used to think that when people argued in a restaurant, I would see a table flipped over with scattered food and drinks. It would be exciting. Not so exciting for those who would be left to clean up the mess, but it’s got me thinking about how dramatically the story changed once someone flipped that table. 

Similarly, I am flipping my fears to change my story dramatically. While in this process of inverting my mindset, I am going through a wide range of emotions. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not to confuse excitement with fear. My mind automatically defaults to fear, just like specific physical symptoms invoke anxiety and panic in me. It has taken me months of work to rewire my brain to know that those symptoms are nothing more than pent-up energy that needs to be released. 

In the same process, I am rewiring my brain and rewriting my narrative that when I have thoughts of scarcity, I will replace them with thoughts of abundance and love. 

I am also weaving gratitude into my abundance practice. I’ve kept journals of gratitude before, but they were on the surface level. I never entirely went deep for gratitude. So my list looked like this: I am grateful for waking up, my family, the person who helped me at school, my home, my parents, etc. Now that I am beginning to trust that gratitude is more substantial than fear, my list is changing.  

What I am grateful for this morning: 

I am grateful that the sunrise wakes me up warmly, softly, rather than a panic-inducing alarm.

I am grateful to have clean air to fill my lungs when breathing deeply.

I am grateful to be surrounded by my family’s love while writing my Father’s eulogy. 

I am grateful to have access to God’s word and presence daily. 

Today’s prayer: God, I release my scarcity mindset and anxious energy and replace it with love and gratitude for all the blessings you have given me. 

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we eat? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matthew 6: 31-24).

Summer of Love Series: Day 1

Welcome to my Summer of Love short blog series, where I will uncover my fears and begin the transformation process of choosing love over fear. This is not a series on overcoming fears of roller coasters, swimming in the ocean, etc. though if that happens – yay! It’s more of a spiritual transformation that will require being in the presence of God, prayer and meditation, and forgiveness so that I may step out of this old way of living and realign my narrative with God’s purpose for my life. 

Day 1: Witnessing my fears. Fear is like water. It moves until it is obstructed or cut off at its source. Fear will seep into every aspect of life until it is cut off. How do we get to the source? First, by witnessing and paying attention to triggers and emotions that affect behaviors.

F – false

E – evidence

A – appearing

R- real

My fears stem from scarcity. Somewhere along the way, I bought into the narrative that there was never enough. Never enough: food, money, love, and attention. I needed to be more intelligent, talented, and disciplined to pursue my dreams. It has stopped me more times than I care to admit, but that’s why I’m here. 

As difficult as this is to write, I am fully committed to this transformation, so it’s time to be honest. I have allowed fear and this scarcity mindset to stop me from living a life God designed for me. Living outside of my purpose has kept me living small. 

Fear and this scarcity mindset have led me to take jobs that drain my energy. It’s the cause of my mindless shopping. It’s permitted me to eat poorly. It’s taught me to crumple up and hide my purpose like a child sneaking candy. It has kept me up at night. It has pushed my body to the breaking point. I have continually stamped down on the seed God planted in my heart. He knows this, and while I am ashamed of doing this to Him, I am grateful for his forgiveness and unconditional love. 

Stepping into God’s forgiveness has opened my eyes and heart to know and understand the source of my fears. It’s allowing me to admit how ugly it has made me feel, which is the first step in this transformation. So where do I go from here? 

I start my day by reading my bible and ensuring I keep Romans 12:2 at the forefront of my day. Romans 12:2 is the bible verse that brought me back to God about 9 years ago. It is committed to my memory, and when I stray too far off course for too long, it begins to pop up all around me. It’s the bumper sticker on the car in front of me. It’s the IG posts from Christian influencers. It’s the message of the weekly sermon. It’s a gentle reminder that it is time to get back in alignment with God’s word and His purpose for my life. 

In case you are unfamiliar, Romans 12:2 states, “Do not conform to the ways of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”   

It’s time (yet again) to step into my purpose and step out of doing what no longer serves my purpose in life. When we step out of fear’s grasp, we make space for God to guide us and lead us to creative ways of reaching our genuine selves and potential. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey. Today is Day 1, and I hope you will continue with me until Day 30. Until tomorrow, give your body, mind, and spirit some much-needed grace. 

I’d love to start a new conversation with you. Leave me a comment telling me which bible verse or a saying is closest to your heart. 

For the Love of books

It’s February, and we’re talking all things love. And what’s not to love about books? Even the bad ones! Yes, even the bad ones hold a special place in my memory. So when does our love for books start? Some may say it begins with childhood memories of sitting on a lap looking at picture books. Others say it happens the moment you see yourself in a character. My love of books was always there, but the love of reading didn’t happen until much later in life. 

Some of my earliest memories of books and reading were with my grandmother. She was a voracious reader. I remember the days when she would take me to our small-town public library. She stayed in the adult section on the main level while I ran downstairs to the children section. But I didn’t appreciate the library or the books until I checked out my first Judy Blume book (on the main level). I remember reading those Judy Blume books in my grandmother’s “den” or what we now call a TV room. The sun would light up her brown and gold striped couch while I was curled up and tangled in the world of puberty with Margaret Simon, or the bully, Jill Brenner, or Fudge Hatcher, the annoying little brother. Though I loved these books and so many more, I struggled with reading.

I was and still am a slow reader. I struggled in school with reading, writing, math, and science. I was not a great student. But, despite my grandmother’s efforts at having a private library containing the entire series of Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and volumes of Nat Geo magazines to encourage us to read, my love for books didn’t happen until college. There, I found myself getting lost in the stacks at WVU’s Wise Library (cue image of Belle in the Beast’s library). Meanwhile, my grandmother was still going to the library as often as she could; however, she was also losing her eyesight to macular degeneration.

As reading became a part of daily life for me, it became a struggle for my grandmother. It was heartbreaking knowing she would never again see words on the page. My grandmother is gone, but when I look at my mom and my aunts, I realize they too are voracious readers, like their mother. It’s a beautiful cycle in our family. Though my son struggles with reading for pleasure, I still hold out hope that he will come to love it one day as I did. I need to remain patient, make sure books are available to him at all times, and model like my grandmother did – have a book within reach all over the house.

As a teacher, I explain to reluctant readers that it’s a love for getting lost in the richness of words and being emotionally invested in characters. There are times when a book disappoints us, yet it stills holds a place in our memory. Characters break our hearts. At times we laugh out loud or are wrought with fear. We become detectives. We become the young woman in a war-torn world searching for a lost child or her lover. We can be heroes. And that’s just with fiction! There is so much to love about books, and I’m sure you are here reading this because you love books.

If you want to be a writer, you must first be a reader. There is no way around it. As I continue on this journey of writing, I am still absorbing books every week. And as I create characters and worlds, I can only hope a young reader will find their love for books in my words.

So I want to know, when did you genuinely fall in love with books?
Was it the first time you saw yourself in a book? Was it the first time a book made you cry? Was it a book that you stayed up late to read? Was it a book that left your heart and mind so occupied it felt like a hangover?

I’d love to hear where you are on your writing journey. If there is a way for me to support you, please let me know!