Since around Christmas time, I felt myself slipping into a deep rut of grief. As we rang in the New Year, my family suffered yet another loss – this time, it was my father-in-law. To say I was angry would be an understatement. I couldn’t take yet another loss of someone I truly loved and continued asking God, why? Why so many, so quickly? All these deaths were happening too fast. In the last year, I lost two Great Aunts who were a cornerstone in my childhood. Then, the unexpected loss of my father. Next was the loss of my father-in-law, whom I had known since I was 16. And of recent, my dear Uncle. Again, this is another family member who was the solid foundation of my childhood. With all these hits to my foundation, I feel the ground under me has turned to sand.
What makes navigating so much loss difficult is how life goes on.
Denise Hartzler
As a teacher, we have to play the part of positivity and strength. Teaching has been a mere distraction during this shift these last few months and has left me spent. I am slowly pulling myself out of the pit of exhaustion and sorrow. I have found comfort in reading the Bible every day, my husband (who is grieving too), our son’s hockey matches and lacrosse games, and surrounding myself with my mom and sisters, along with a few close friends. I have also turned back to therapy. Here is what I have covered with my therapist thus far…
Embracing Your Emotions
“When faced with grief, it’s important to allow yourself to feel and process your emotions,” said my therapist. I struggle to allow myself to feel emotions because processing emotions becomes difficult at work. The sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion hits you when you least expect it. It’s like a tidal wave of emotions, and you have two options: embrace it and let it pour out, or delay it by hiding it and letting it go later. The former is the ideal, but in reality, the latter wins out. My therapist has tried reassuring me that it’s okay to grieve in my way and at my own pace, yet finding peace has eluded me.
Finding Support and Connection
During grief, seeking support and connection with others who can offer comfort and understanding is essential. Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who can provide a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, and a sense of community during your darkest moments. Remember, you are not alone in your pain.
Seeking Spiritual Guidance
For many, including myself, finding solace in spiritual beliefs and practices can offer a sense of comfort and healing during times of grief. Turning to biblical verses on healing and ways to be comforted has provided strength and reassurance amid life’s challenges. I often remind myself of Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Practicing Self-Care
My therapist reminds me often that taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually is essential when navigating grief (as well as anxiety and depression). While she acknowledges that the following sounds cliche, she stresses its importance because we often lose sight of such healthy practices:
Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace, such as journaling, long walks, prayer, exercise, or spending time in nature.
Nourish the physical body with healthy foods and make rest and relaxation a priority.
Be gentle with yourself as you move through the healing process (again, challenging for me).
Finding Meaning and Purpose
While this grief feels overwhelming and all-consuming, I am learning that it can also be a catalyst for personal growth and transformation. I find myself reflecting on the values instilled in me by each of my relatives and the legacy I wish to leave. I am hopeful that finding meaning and purpose in grief will result in the renewal of hope and resilience.
By embracing emotions, seeking support, finding comfort in spiritual guidance, practicing self-care, and finding meaning in pain, I can navigate through grief with grace. I must remember I am stronger with God, family, and friends.
“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10
Personal note: I am forever thankful to my therapist at BetterHelp Online Counselingwho has been guiding me through anxiety, panic attacks, depression, menopause, and now grief. The match of my values and needs with a licensed professional therapist was impeccable.
Legal: This article/blogpost is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Readers/Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.
When fear drives your mindset, you fear upsetting those you love. You worry they will be angry, leave you, or think less of you. When you think about it, this is an unfair punishment. After all, if I can give others multiple opportunities to make right a wrong, why don’t I do that for myself? It’s hypocritical in that sense.
I’m also learning that not forgiving myself is at the root of that scarcity mindset because I tell myself that I am not worthy of forgiveness. I am not worthy of being afforded the chance to make up for a mistake. I am not good enough for someone to love me because of my mistakes. I have woven this scarcity mindset so deep into who I am; I have no one to blame but myself.
If I have no one to blame but myself, I am the only one that can forgive me. Therefore, for the next few days of this Summer of Love series, I am entering into a state of forgiving myself. I forgive myself for the scarcity mindset and for making myself small.
“…be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32).
When I was a child, I used to think that when people argued in a restaurant, I would see a table flipped over with scattered food and drinks. It would be exciting. Not so exciting for those who would be left to clean up the mess, but it’s got me thinking about how dramatically the story changed once someone flipped that table.
Similarly, I am flipping my fears to change my story dramatically. While in this process of inverting my mindset, I am going through a wide range of emotions. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not to confuse excitement with fear. My mind automatically defaults to fear, just like specific physical symptoms invoke anxiety and panic in me. It has taken me months of work to rewire my brain to know that those symptoms are nothing more than pent-up energy that needs to be released.
In the same process, I am rewiring my brain and rewriting my narrative that when I have thoughts of scarcity, I will replace them with thoughts of abundance and love.
I am also weaving gratitude into my abundance practice. I’ve kept journals of gratitude before, but they were on the surface level. I never entirely went deep for gratitude. So my list looked like this: I am grateful for waking up, my family, the person who helped me at school, my home, my parents, etc. Now that I am beginning to trust that gratitude is more substantial than fear, my list is changing.
What I am grateful for this morning:
I am grateful that the sunrise wakes me up warmly, softly, rather than a panic-inducing alarm.
I am grateful to have clean air to fill my lungs when breathing deeply.
I am grateful to be surrounded by my family’s love while writing my Father’s eulogy.
I am grateful to have access to God’s word and presence daily.
Today’s prayer: God, I release my scarcity mindset and anxious energy and replace it with love and gratitude for all the blessings you have given me.
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we eat? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matthew 6: 31-24).
Day 1 of Summer Love was a hard dose of reality. Sharing my narrative of my fears made me feel vulnerable, but I know there is growth ahead. In these vulnerable moments, we must remind ourselves that we are still in control and have choices to make. Do I stay safe, which is essentially the same as staying unchanged? Or do I take steps to create a shift, even without knowing the result?
“You have made a path wide for my feet to keep them from slipping.” (Psalms 18:36 NLT)
So for today’s first step, I am reminding myself that I am willing to see love instead of fear. In my case, fear is scarcity. Therefore, I am willing to see love instead of scarcity. Let me rephrase that a bit further. I am willing to acknowledge the abundance around me instead of looking around me and only seeing scarcity.
Three statements I am reminding myself of on this day:
I have an abundance of time while on summer break to write, walk, and restore my health.
I have family around me as I give my father’s eulogy later this week.
There’s an abundant amount of fresh veggies and fruit during this season which reminds me to eat healthy.
As I allow myself to breathe into these statements and this mindset, I am beginning to feel peace.
Denise Hartzler 