Posted on by Denise Hartzler · 1 Comment

A Letter to My Students

Dear Hartzler Students of 1605,

As the school doors opened for another year, you sadly discovered I did not return to room 1605. When summer began, we both believed I would be there upon our return. I know how excited you were to come back and see all the familiar touches that made our room special—the selfie wall, the “You Matter to Me” messages on the board, the standing table that served as both a workspace and “snack table,” and of course, the beloved green jar of mints that rarely went empty. Unfortunately, that is not how you returned, and I sincerely apologize for taking all that away from you without even saying goodbye.

This blog post is to connect with you so that I can try to explain.

Within one calendar year, I faced significant changes in my health and endured a lot of grief. I received phone calls in the middle of class about the death of my father, followed by the passing of my father-in-law, two great aunts, and a dear uncle who was like a father to me. Carrying all that grief is heavy, and it continues to get heavier when you have to put on a positive mask and a smile every day.

As you know, teachers, just like everyone else, experience grief and personal challenges every year. Some teachers can sweep it under the rug, while others cannot. It’s not a sign of weakness nor a sign of strength, but simply a choice. However, the expectation to remain cheerful and energized in the classroom can be incredibly taxing. When anyone suppresses genuine feelings to appear strong, it leads to emotional exhaustion. Plus, when you add in the demands of work both in school and outside of school, in addition to having your own family, the weight becomes too much to carry.

This facade often leads to burnout and mental health struggles. While I received support from my family, fellow teachers, and administrators, I had to step back and honestly examine what the weight of it all was doing to me, both physically and emotionally.

This past summer, during a sunrise stroll along the beach with my journal, I made a list of my priorities, and it looked something like this: 

  • Restore my physical health – as I cheerfully celebrated my 50th birthday with so many of you, my health requires immediate and constant attention. 
  • Realign my spiritual health with God,
  • Regain genuine happiness, 
  • Be present with my family. 

Then, three weeks before school started, more challenges came my way, along with a few exciting opportunities that offered me a chance to prioritize those priorities while reigniting a career I love—writing. 

With these new opportunities, I had to make the most difficult decision: not return to the classroom. Unfortunately, we all have to make such difficult decisions at some point in our lives, and it’s more complicated when it significantly impacts those around us and those we care about; however, making difficult decisions is a part of life.

As you continue this year without seeing me in the hallway or 1605, please know that I am doing well, and never forget that you hold a special place in my heart because You Will Always Matter to Me.

PS: If you see me having lunch with the English teachers, cheering on your rival school (my son’s school) at games, or attending theater events, please come and say “hi.” I truly miss you.

PPS: The mint jar is with a 10th-grade teacher, and he might share one with you if you ask politely. Just tell him I sent you ❤

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Navigating Grief

Where have I been?

Since around Christmas time, I felt myself slipping into a deep rut of grief. As we rang in the New Year, my family suffered yet another loss – this time, it was my father-in-law. To say I was angry would be an understatement. I couldn’t take yet another loss of someone I truly loved and continued asking God, why? Why so many, so quickly? All these deaths were happening too fast. In the last year, I lost two Great Aunts who were a cornerstone in my childhood. Then, the unexpected loss of my father. Next was the loss of my father-in-law, whom I had known since I was 16. And of recent, my dear Uncle. Again, this is another family member who was the solid foundation of my childhood. With all these hits to my foundation, I feel the ground under me has turned to sand.

What makes navigating so much loss difficult is how life goes on.

Denise Hartzler

As a teacher, we have to play the part of positivity and strength. Teaching has been a mere distraction during this shift these last few months and has left me spent. I am slowly pulling myself out of the pit of exhaustion and sorrow. I have found comfort in reading the Bible every day, my husband (who is grieving too), our son’s hockey matches and lacrosse games, and surrounding myself with my mom and sisters, along with a few close friends. I have also turned back to therapy. Here is what I have covered with my therapist thus far…

Embracing Your Emotions

“When faced with grief, it’s important to allow yourself to feel and process your emotions,” said my therapist. I struggle to allow myself to feel emotions because processing emotions becomes difficult at work. The sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion hits you when you least expect it. It’s like a tidal wave of emotions, and you have two options: embrace it and let it pour out, or delay it by hiding it and letting it go later. The former is the ideal, but in reality, the latter wins out. My therapist has tried reassuring me that it’s okay to grieve in my way and at my own pace, yet finding peace has eluded me.

Finding Support and Connection

During grief, seeking support and connection with others who can offer comfort and understanding is essential. Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who can provide a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, and a sense of community during your darkest moments. Remember, you are not alone in your pain.

Seeking Spiritual Guidance

For many, including myself, finding solace in spiritual beliefs and practices can offer a sense of comfort and healing during times of grief. Turning to biblical verses on healing and ways to be comforted has provided strength and reassurance amid life’s challenges. I often remind myself of Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Practicing Self-Care

My therapist reminds me often that taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually is essential when navigating grief (as well as anxiety and depression). While she acknowledges that the following sounds cliche, she stresses its importance because we often lose sight of such healthy practices: 

  • Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace, such as journaling, long walks, prayer, exercise, or spending time in nature.
  • Nourish the physical body with healthy foods and make rest and relaxation a priority.
  • Be gentle with yourself as you move through the healing process (again, challenging for me).

Finding Meaning and Purpose

While this grief feels overwhelming and all-consuming, I am learning that it can also be a catalyst for personal growth and transformation. I find myself reflecting on the values instilled in me by each of my relatives and the legacy I wish to leave. I am hopeful that finding meaning and purpose in grief will result in the renewal of hope and resilience.

By embracing emotions, seeking support, finding comfort in spiritual guidance, practicing self-care, and finding meaning in pain, I can navigate through grief with grace. I must remember I am stronger with God, family, and friends.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10

Personal note: I am forever thankful to my therapist at BetterHelp Online Counseling who has been guiding me through anxiety, panic attacks, depression, menopause, and now grief. The match of my values and needs with a licensed professional therapist was impeccable.

Legal: This article/blogpost is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Readers/Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Happy Winter

Like many others, I like to reflect on the past year. Instead of making goals and resolutions, I list what I am carrying into the new year and what I am leaving behind. So, on this cold, rainy winter evening, it’s time for me to get cozy and make room for new possibilities. It’s a time to allow my spirit room to imagine, to believe that I can return to the calling placed on my life. It’s time to reset and rise early tomorrow morning for quiet prayer time prior to the busyness of teaching and life. Time to embrace these next two long winter months to layout my new year.

The one thing I will always carry with me into the new year is my writing. It is my calling, my purpose. It may take on many different forms: blogging, copywriting, teaching, short stories, novels, inspirational posts, and so much more. Regardless of what form my writing takes, it’s writing. It’s a passion I cannot live without.

Though this is just the beginning of what I carry forth, I know there will be more. I also know a few things I am leaving behind, but I am not ready to share them. So, I encourage you to take these cold winter months and reflect on what is serving you and what has served its purpose.

I wish you all a new year filled with warmth, love, and peace.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Christmas Cocoa

Staying Healthy During Christmas: A Guide to Nourishing Your Body and Mind

Ah, Christmas! The season of joy, love, and… indulgence. It’s no secret that the holiday season often comes with a plethora of delicious treats and hearty meals that can easily derail our healthy eating habits. But fear not! With a little bit of planning and mindfulness, you can enjoy the festivities while still nourishing your body and setting yourself up for a healthy and refreshed start to the new year. 

In today’s blog post, I’m teaming up with one of the healthiest and most nutritiously disciplined people I know, my sister, Jill Dobrowansky. Jill has been a huge motivator and helps me with navigating the unfamiliar and often confusing world of nutrition. She is a master at reinventing family recipes and daily dishes with a healthy spin, which tastes the same. Most importantly, she is my oldest sister who is my biggest supporter of healthy living. Though this is a journey that I struggle with (hello carbs and chocolate addictions), I know I can always turn to her for advice and guidance. 

The Benefits of Healthy Eating – this is not a guilt trip, it’s a gift!

Before we dive into our guided interview, let’s take a moment to remind ourselves of the incredible benefits that healthy eating brings. Not only does it provide our bodies with the essential nutrients they need to function optimally, but it also boosts our energy levels, strengthens our immune system, and supports our mental well-being. By maintaining healthy eating habits during the holiday season, you’ll be giving yourself the gift of vitality and setting the stage for a successful year ahead.

Plan and Be Mindful

The key to staying on track with your healthy eating goals during Christmas is to plan and be mindful of your choices. Here are a few tips to help you navigate the holiday season with grace:

Set Realistic Expectations: It’s important to remember that Christmas is a time for celebration and enjoyment. Allow yourself to indulge in moderation without feeling guilty. Instead of striving for perfection, aim for balance and make conscious choices that align with your overall health goals.

Me: Jill, one small bite is usually my downfall. How can I avoid letting one small indulgence lead to full-on permission to consume said indulgence in mass quantities or daily? 

Jill: I love this question! Like you, I love small bites and ‘grazing’ too. This comes down to being in the moment and being cognizant of what you are eating. Our distractions (e.g., phones, conversations, streaming, etc.) keep us disconnected from what we are eating and how much we are eating. There are two things I like to do when I am eating at the holiday time:

  • Put my fork and or plate down in between bites. This gives your neurons time to process the signals they are getting from your stomach. The time in between each bite allows you to chew your food properly and to take a breath (or two). It also allows us to take a sip of water or beverage which also helps us digest our food and make us feel fuller sooner.
  • Give yourself grace. The holidays can be a busy time when we don’t even pay attention to what and how much we are eating. When we find that we might have overindulged, we need to reset the next day. Take some time in the morning to enjoy a mug of warm, lemon water, open your Bible, and show yourself the grace that Jesus gave us. Remind yourself that overindulgence does not define you, and every day is a new opportunity to start anew. 

Fill Up on Nutrient-Dense Foods: When attending holiday gatherings or hosting your own, make sure to include plenty of nutrient-dense foods on your menu. Load up on colorful fruits and vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains. These foods will not only provide you with essential vitamins and minerals but also help you feel satisfied and less likely to overindulge in less healthy options. 

Me: Each Christmas Eve we do a charcuterie board filled with dairy, meats, crackers, etc. How can we best weave in healthy grains and more veggies beyond olives? Can you share your recipe from last year? I think it was a hummus spread with pomegranates.

Jill: This is always a challenge! Each year, you request that I ‘bring the freshness’ to our Christmas Eve gathering. I always love this and look forward to making something new that everyone will enjoy. Truth be told, I think about this all year and what I can do to contribute to our typical charcuterie board with something everyone will enjoy and be surprised about. Last year, I tried a new recipe to sneak in some beans and it was a huge hit! Download the recipe card below!

Download Jill’s White Bean Christmas Crostini Recipe Below

Be Mindful of Portion Sizes: It’s easy to get carried away with large portions during festive meals. Practice mindful eating by paying attention to your body’s hunger and fullness cues. Take your time to savor each bite, and stop eating when you feel comfortably satisfied. Remember, you can always go back for seconds if you’re still hungry.

Me: I am terrible at portion control! I’ve tried smaller plates, and drinking water in between each bite, but portion control is hard! How can I best avoid letting my eyes set my portion? 

Jill:  This comes down to being in the moment and conscience of what you are doing. We have the tendency (guilty) to want to multitask when we are cooking, spending time with family, eating, etc. While we might be physically present in the moment, our brains are thinking about all the things we need and/or want to do. However, if we take the time to slow down and enjoy the moment, we are less likely to overindulge. Some ideas I keep in my back pocket for when I am feeling like I am letting my portions get out of control are: 

  • Conversation Starters (putting your plate down as you listen attentively)- ask the eldest family member to share one of their favorite Christmas memories; ask everyone to share their favorite Christmas tradition; ask everyone to share what they are thankful for this Christmas; share your fondest memory from the past year.
  • Leaving the Room – If you are not sitting down for a formal dinner, this strategy has helped me throughout the years. When I find myself consumed with the food in front of me, I will go into another room and remove myself from the temptation of eating everything in front of me. This allows me to take a couple of deep breaths, relax, and refocus my attention from the food to something else (typically the Christmas tree and all its ornaments or decorations). 
  • Step Outside – When we are visiting your house, I have the option to step out of the kitchen and onto the back deck. Similar to leaving the room, it allows me a moment to take a deep breath, get some fresh air, and reset my mindset to focus on the peace and joy of the season. Typically, I will look up to the sky, thank God for sending Jesus into the world on Christmas, and think about how the shepherds who were told about the birth of the Messiah looked up to the same sky. It won’t be a long time I am out there, only a few minutes, but it is enough to get crisp air into my lungs and take a moment for myself.  

Stay Hydrated: Amidst all the holiday cheer, don’t forget to stay hydrated. Drinking enough water throughout the day will not only keep you feeling refreshed but also help curb unnecessary snacking. Opt for water or herbal teas instead of sugary drinks or alcohol, which can add empty calories and dehydrate your body.

Me: I don’t necessarily struggle with water consumption, but I know a lot of people do. What are some ways to make water consumption more appetizing, especially if you are avoiding alcohol or sugary, fizzy drinks:

Jill: The holidays are a perfect time to spruce up your water! I love to add frozen cranberries as ice cubes to my water or fresh orange slices to bring a bit of festivity to my glass. Another thing I do is to have my water in a ‘fancy glass’. Whether that is a wine glass, champagne flute, or fine crystal, I will put my beverage in it. I especially love to pour a champagne flute of sparkling water or ginger ale, add some frozen cranberries or pomegranate seeds, and toast the night away! Another thing I do is to make sure I front-load my water earlier in the day. From the moment I wake up and throughout the day, I drink my water. This way, my body isn’t dehydrated from the start. I also make sure I have a large glass of water before I go to bed. Typically this is room-temperature water so it can aid in overnight digestion. 

Incorporate Physical Activity: Maintaining an active lifestyle is just as important during the holiday season. Find ways to incorporate physical activity into your daily routine, whether it’s going for a brisk walk, dancing to your favorite holiday tunes, or joining a virtual workout class. Not only will exercise help burn off those extra calories, but it will also boost your mood and reduce stress.

Me: I hate exercising. I love walking but that’s truly about it. I tend to see getting housework and yard work done as a form of exercise, but I know it’s not enough. And as an avid reader and writer, I do tend to sit for longer periods of time. What do you do when you don’t feel the motivation to work out? What do we do on these dark, cold, often rainy/dreary days? 

Jill: Lol…I am the opposite as I love to exercise. Like you, I do sit for long periods of time writing and reading but I use what I have dubbed the ‘book-end’ approach to exercising. In the mornings, I will go for a walk, run, or hit the gym for a quick strength-building session. Then, at the end of the day, typically before bed, I will take 15-20 minutes to stretch or complete a yoga series. This way I am starting my day with movement and ending it with movement. Another thing I do over the holiday season is adjust the length of my workouts. There is nothing wrong with only working in a 30-minute morning session instead of an hour or just finishing my day with a series of stretches before bed instead of a full yoga session. 

Another approach is to set your smartwatch, ring, or phone to remind you to stand up and move (and drink a glass of water) every hour on the hour. My smartwatch has a schedule I set to remind me to stand up, move, and drink 8 ounces of water every hour based on my non-sleep times. There are days when my movement is walking up and down the stairs in my house a couple of times, but every little thing counts! If you do not have a smartwatch or ring, there are free apps you can put on your phone that will give you reminders.

Seek Support and Accountability: Enlist the support of your loved ones in your quest for healthy eating during Christmas. Share your goals with them and ask for their understanding and encouragement. Consider finding an accountability partner who shares similar health aspirations, and together, you can navigate the holiday season with ease.

Me: I don’t have a question, but I want to thank you for always being my biggest supporter and champion for health. You have truly helped me and continue to help me as I go through menopause and approach 50 years old with adopting a healthy eating appreciation so that I can live long – big LOVE!

Jill: I am honored to be a part of your blog and journey! We are so blessed to be able to love and support each other through life, menopause and all. Merry Christmas!

Embrace the Joy of Healthy Eating

Remember, healthy eating doesn’t have to be a chore or a sacrifice. Embrace the joy of nourishing your body with wholesome foods that make you feel vibrant and alive. Use this holiday season as an opportunity to explore new recipes, experiment with seasonal produce, and discover the pleasure of mindful eating.

By keeping up your healthy eating habits during Christmas, you’ll not only enjoy the festivities guilt-free but also set yourself up for a healthy and refreshed start to the new year. So, go ahead and savor the flavors of the season while nourishing your body and mind. Cheers to a happy and healthy holiday season!

Need more recipe ideas or a reset for the new year? Visit Jill’s best-selling book: Faith and Fasting on Amazon Jill’s IG Page, The Plant Powered Pantry for that much-needed healthy motivation in your feed! 

Disclaimer: The information in this blog post should not be taken as medical advice. If you require a medical diagnosis or prescription, or if you are contemplating any major dietary change, please consult with a certified healthcare provider. You should always seek an expert opinion before making changes in your diet, supplement regime, or lifestyle.

Christmas-Crostini-Recipe-CardDownload
Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Finding Peace, Calmness, and Stillness at Christmas: A Path to Deepening Our Connection with God

Christmas is a special time of year for so many and for so many reasons. Though I’m slowly getting into the Christmas spirit, I have to admit, this year is a very slow start, almost like wading through the sludgy part of the ocean. I’m not good at putting on an act of pretending to be happy because I show my emotions ninety percent of the time. I am also transforming my scarcity mindset, so all the spending is putting me through a challenging test. And I miss my dad. My whole family is coming together to my house this year to be together and to be there for my mom. I’m truly excited to have her here for two weeks and watch her bake with my son and share stories – something we missed out on because of distance and my father’s last years battling health issues. So, yeah, it’s a slow start feeling joyful this Advent season, which is why I’m turning to my writing. Writing is my God-given purpose in life. This I know. Writing is also my way of processing emotions and thoughts in order to find peace, calmness, and stillness, especially at Christmastime. In this blog post, I am exploring five practical ways to find tranquility during the Christmas season while nurturing my spiritual journey.

  • Embrace the Simplicity: In a world driven by consumerism, it’s crucial to embrace simplicity during the Christmas season. Instead of getting caught up in the frenzy of materialistic desires, focus on the true meaning of Christmas. Take a step back, reflect on the birth of Jesus, and let go of the pressure to buy extravagant gifts or host lavish parties. By simplifying our celebrations, we create space for stillness and allow ourselves to be more present in the moment.
  • Practice Mindfulness: Amidst the chaos, practicing mindfulness can help us find peace and calmness. Mindfulness involves being fully present in the moment, observing our thoughts and emotions without judgment. Take a few moments each day to sit in silence, focusing on your breath and grounding yourself in the present. This practice not only helps to reduce stress but also opens up a channel for a deeper connection with God.
  • Engage in Spiritual Practices: Christmas is an ideal time to engage in spiritual practices that bring us closer to God. Whether it’s attending church services, taking part in prayer groups, or reading sacred texts, these practices provide a sense of peace and tranquility. Set aside dedicated time each day to connect with your spirituality, allowing yourself to be still and listen to the whispers of the divine.
  • Connect with Nature: Nature has a way of grounding us and reminding us of the beauty and serenity that exists beyond the chaos of our daily lives. Take a walk in the crisp winter air, marvel at the snow-covered landscapes, take an evening stroll admiring all the neighbor’s light displays, or simply sit in a park and observe the wonders of creation. Connecting with nature not only brings a sense of calmness, but it also helps us appreciate the magnificence of God’s creation.
  • Prioritize Self-Care: Purposefully taking time to nurture your physical, mental, and emotional well-being amidst the busyness of the holiday season is essential for our self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as taking a warm bath, practicing yoga, or reading a book by the warm glow of your Christmas tree. By taking care of ourselves, we create a foundation of peace and stillness that allows us to be more receptive to God’s presence.

During the Christmas chaos, finding peace, calmness, and stillness is not only possible but essential for deepening our connection with God. By embracing simplicity, practicing mindfulness, engaging in spiritual practices, connecting with nature, and prioritizing self-care, we can carve out moments of tranquility and invite the divine into our lives. This Christmas, let us remember that the greatest gift we can give ourselves and others is the gift of inner peace and a closer relationship with God.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

A father’s love is forever

Three months ago, I lost my father. This three-month mark is hitting hard for some reason. I don’t overthink it and ask why. I sit with the loss. I cry when I need to release my emotions. I journal about all the memories that flood my mind. I also journal about conflicted feelings of wasted time by not asking him more about his life. I talk with my father in the quiet moments of the day, telling him how much I miss him. I know he is in heaven watching over us and has us covered in his love, but I miss him a lot. I’m sharing the eulogy I wrote for my father to remind myself that his life was complete, even if I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. 

They say that a man occupies his daughter’s life up until the day she is married. While there is some truth to that statement, luckily for my sisters and me and along with our families, our dad didn’t nearly occupy a space in our lives; his presence and all that he taught us in life is forever woven into who we are and thus handed down into who our children are becoming. 

When someone you love so dearly passes, your memories are scattered as if you dropped a jar of sand, and the granules spread far and wide. Some memories are more easily grasped, while some require more precision to hold on to. Some are only seen when the light makes them sparkle. And then some memories are sprinkled into your hands by others sharing in the pain of loss. 

Everyone here has memories of my dad, and I am thankful for those who shared them with me. If I made a list of all the memories, we’d be here for quite some time, so I’ll share this…my dad was a good man. He never judged any one of his kids’ mistakes. He was firm, lovable, competitive, and protective. His love was unconditional, and I am forever grateful to have been in his life. 

I’m not sure what he would want me to share with you, and while I can share a lifetime of the sweetest memories I have of him, I’ll start with the “infamous” bowling bet we made. I was around eight years old, and he told me that if I bowled a high score and won my tournament, he’d buy me a new ball. Well, that day, not only did I win, but I also bowled a 178. It was a maroon sparkle ball with Denise engraved in gold, and it was all my own – I finally had something that wasn’t a hand-me-down!

Another memory was that of my wedding day and dance. He was proud that I was marrying Chris, but he also reassured me that he would be there should I have any doubts about going through with the wedding. He also reminded Chris at the altar that he knew “where he lived.” Later that evening, the lyrics to a Billy Joel song led our steps. Who could ever imagine words being a perfect fit for two ordinary people, “Don’t go changing to try and please me, You never let me down before, I would not leave you in times of trouble, I said, “I love you,” that’s forever, I love you just the way you are.” And it’s those lyrics that have a more significant meaning than ever before.

Then came the memories of my son with my dad. One such visit was when my dad lifted Ryan to touch a plane in the Air and Space Museum. Luckily it didn’t get us kicked out, but Ryan, I want you to know that your grandfather will always lift you up when you need it most. 

We knew his passing would come, but we could never have imagined how deep this loss feels. The weekend before his passing, the five of us were on Skype. I’ve found some small comfort in telling myself that maybe having us all together, even if it was online, made him realize that his life was complete. On the day we said our final goodbye, my mom and her girls gathered together again, just like we did over 40 years ago on the day they married. Even though it’s been 43 years, being together like that once again made me feel like that small, vulnerable little girl who was forever changed and forever proud to be a Kinney girl. 

I hope you are playing piano and chess.

You will never be forgotten.

Thank you for loving us. 

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 15

I quickly learned I needed more self-care as I wrapped up week two of my Summer of Love Series. Taking a hard look at my self-attacks is powerful, and all these emotional surrenders leave me vulnerable and emotionally drained, so tenderness is in order. This deep dive into myself, my actions, my choices, and my self-limiting beliefs require bravery. But sometimes bravery will leave you wanting nothing more than to curl up in a fetal position, cry, sleep, and turn off all the noise. While some of those actions, particularly turning off the noise and sleeping, are options, I want to replenish my spirit with intentional affirmations. 

Affirmation #1: I choose to love myself today. Choosing love over fear is 100% optional. What we say to ourselves unconsciously becomes what we consciously believe about ourselves. I have shrunken myself down for a decade, but now I choose to live in love. 

Affirmation #2: I will give myself a peaceful and consistent reminder that love and gratitude are within me. I have complete, unobstructed access to gratitude. I am grateful for my willingness to change my mindset. 

Affirmation #3: I am grateful to be in this process. As I rest in this mindset of love and gratitude, I will go slow and intentional in the fast-paced world around me. 

As I’ve been journaling and blogging my way through this series, I was compelled to share the following entry with you: I believe I am love. Everything in me and outside of me is love. I believe this, and I commit to this – I am love. 

Along the lines of breathing love back into my mindset, here are a few bible verses that have been showing up lately:

  • “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” Corinthians 13:7
  • “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
  • “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Colossians 3: 13

I will be back in another 5 days as I move deeper into love, gratitude, and forgiveness.

Thank you for being on this journey with me.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 4

My morning mindset: I begin my day with gratitude and release all fears of scarcity and stagnant energy. Focusing on gratitude is reconnecting me to love. God did not make me fearful. God made me in His image, and His image is love. 

As I continue being honest about my fears, I am taking each day to look for growth opportunities. After all, fear is an opportunity for growth. 

Making a generalized list of people and things I am grateful for has always felt incomplete, which could be one of the reasons why I stopped making lists; however, if you are a quick list person – great! It is a great daily habit if you only take a few minutes and list your x-amount of things/people you are thankful for, but right now, I am going deeper to rewire and rewrite my narrative. 

I used to be that positive person, the one who would always chime in with a positive outlook ~ that was me, and I was proud to be that person. I miss that version of me. When did I become pessimistic? I think it started with some undiagnosed depression and hormonal imbalances. I also remember many years passing by when I lacked purpose. I felt exhausted, always being “positive” or “cheerful,” and making a daily gratitude list was hard in those days. I eventually gave in to that defeat and stopped. 

Fast forward to today, this is what my list is shaping up to look like, and it’s working for me. It’s giving me that deep meaning that I’ve been craving: 

Fear: I am fearful that I will not be able to make it through my father’s eulogy without sobbing. 

Gratitude Response: I am honored to speak of my father’s love and legacy. My family loves me, and they, too, are grieving. Crying is a form of healing. 

Fear: I am not healthy. 

Gratitude Response: While I have work to do, I am grateful to have access to healthy foods and safe exercise trails. Restoring my health will take time and discipline ~ have patience. 

Fear: Money is scarce, and I do not handle it well/smartly. I was never good at math and did not understand investing. 

Gratitude Response: I haven’t always been great with money, but now I am learning about investments and working on disciplined spending. 

I feel more authentic making a list this way. I feel a little closer to my old pleasant self. Yes, I am only four into this 30-day journey, but each day is a new opportunity to grow in love. Try this method if making a quick bulleted list makes you feel less than complete. 

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 2

Day 1 of Summer Love was a hard dose of reality. Sharing my narrative of my fears made me feel vulnerable, but I know there is growth ahead. In these vulnerable moments, we must remind ourselves that we are still in control and have choices to make. Do I stay safe, which is essentially the same as staying unchanged? Or do I take steps to create a shift, even without knowing the result?

“You have made a path wide for my feet to keep them from slipping.” (Psalms 18:36 NLT)

So for today’s first step, I am reminding myself that I am willing to see love instead of fear. In my case, fear is scarcity. Therefore, I am willing to see love instead of scarcity. Let me rephrase that a bit further. I am willing to acknowledge the abundance around me instead of looking around me and only seeing scarcity.

Three statements I am reminding myself of on this day: 

  • I have an abundance of time while on summer break to write, walk, and restore my health.
  • I have family around me as I give my father’s eulogy later this week.
  • There’s an abundant amount of fresh veggies and fruit during this season which reminds me to eat healthy. 

As I allow myself to breathe into these statements and this mindset, I am beginning to feel peace.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler · 1 Comment

My father’s love

On April 27th, I lost my father. It’s a deep sadness that I’ve only experienced once before when my grandmother passed, but this feels heavier and more profound. I always knew my father’s time was limited and his passing would come. I didn’t expect it to be so sudden.

I tried writing this on the day I flew out to Arizona, but words weren’t easy. Day 1 came with a lot of crying and grieving. Day 2 was slightly better, but saying goodbye to my husband and son before heading out to Arizona nearly broke me. The waves of sadness came like the turbulence on the plane. I swung from a relaxed and almost weightless feeling with normal breathing to waves thrashing me around from a simple memory. My head hurt from crying so much, and there was nothing I could do other than lean into those I love and lean into God for guidance and comfort.

My father was a good man. He came from humble parents and led a simple life that always put family first. When he married my mom and adopted my sisters and me, we became a family. I was only six when he became our father so he has and will always be the only father I had in my life. One of my earliest memories was sitting in a judge’s chamber answering if I wanted to accept him as my father. I don’t have any emotions tied to that day but the one day that I do remember is going into school learning how to write my new last name, Kinney. My biological name, Rapach, stills hold a place in my timeline but it does not hold any weight like my maiden name, Kinney.

As I reflect on my father’s life, I can’t help but think of his generosity. He would do anything within his power to help anyone. He didn’t make much money driving trucks, but he did what he could. My father took on so many roles when we were growing up. He was an umpire in softball. An active marching band parent. A spectator of field hockey and tennis. A chess partner. He was our bowling instructor, captain, competitor, and biggest fan. Beyond these ordinary never-ending activities of three girls, the most important thing he gave us were his unconditional love and a secure family.

While going through my teenage years, I was not an easy teen – not as challenging as my oldest sister, yet not as good as my middle sister. I learned a lot of lessons from them, and I think my father knew this because our conversations were different than those he had with my sisters. This isn’t to say I didn’t test his patience because I did, but I also knew I could call him at any hour for help. And that’s the ultimate role of a father, isn’t it? To be there.

I don’t know who I’d be if I didn’t have him when I was growing up. I don’t know how to do life without him just yet. He’d say I ‘no longer need him’ because he did his job well, but I will always need him. What I need to learn is how to look for him in the small and big moments of life. I keep telling myself that if I pay attention more to this world around me, I’ll see that he isn’t gone forever.

As I’m sitting outside writing this with the trees blowing a cool breeze, I think of how a family is like these trees – broken branches, small branches sprouting from the strong trunk while others are sprouting out from limbs, brave branches reaching for the sky in all directions, old bark slowly peeling ready to return to the ground, closely stacked branches providing a place to shelter, a sturdy and fully exposed trunk, and unseen roots stretching far wide giving water and nutrients keeping the whole tree grounded – keeping it all alive. It makes me think of all the branches of my family providing me with strength, protection, and love.

As I said, I knew his end was coming, but that small child in me thought he’d be here forever. The adult in me knows that the love he blessed with me these last 43 years will last forever in my heart. I miss you a lot, Dad.