Posted on by Denise Hartzler · 1 Comment

A Letter to My Students

Dear Hartzler Students of 1605,

As the school doors opened for another year, you sadly discovered I did not return to room 1605. When summer began, we both believed I would be there upon our return. I know how excited you were to come back and see all the familiar touches that made our room special—the selfie wall, the “You Matter to Me” messages on the board, the standing table that served as both a workspace and “snack table,” and of course, the beloved green jar of mints that rarely went empty. Unfortunately, that is not how you returned, and I sincerely apologize for taking all that away from you without even saying goodbye.

This blog post is to connect with you so that I can try to explain.

Within one calendar year, I faced significant changes in my health and endured a lot of grief. I received phone calls in the middle of class about the death of my father, followed by the passing of my father-in-law, two great aunts, and a dear uncle who was like a father to me. Carrying all that grief is heavy, and it continues to get heavier when you have to put on a positive mask and a smile every day.

As you know, teachers, just like everyone else, experience grief and personal challenges every year. Some teachers can sweep it under the rug, while others cannot. It’s not a sign of weakness nor a sign of strength, but simply a choice. However, the expectation to remain cheerful and energized in the classroom can be incredibly taxing. When anyone suppresses genuine feelings to appear strong, it leads to emotional exhaustion. Plus, when you add in the demands of work both in school and outside of school, in addition to having your own family, the weight becomes too much to carry.

This facade often leads to burnout and mental health struggles. While I received support from my family, fellow teachers, and administrators, I had to step back and honestly examine what the weight of it all was doing to me, both physically and emotionally.

This past summer, during a sunrise stroll along the beach with my journal, I made a list of my priorities, and it looked something like this: 

  • Restore my physical health – as I cheerfully celebrated my 50th birthday with so many of you, my health requires immediate and constant attention. 
  • Realign my spiritual health with God,
  • Regain genuine happiness, 
  • Be present with my family. 

Then, three weeks before school started, more challenges came my way, along with a few exciting opportunities that offered me a chance to prioritize those priorities while reigniting a career I love—writing. 

With these new opportunities, I had to make the most difficult decision: not return to the classroom. Unfortunately, we all have to make such difficult decisions at some point in our lives, and it’s more complicated when it significantly impacts those around us and those we care about; however, making difficult decisions is a part of life.

As you continue this year without seeing me in the hallway or 1605, please know that I am doing well, and never forget that you hold a special place in my heart because You Will Always Matter to Me.

PS: If you see me having lunch with the English teachers, cheering on your rival school (my son’s school) at games, or attending theater events, please come and say “hi.” I truly miss you.

PPS: The mint jar is with a 10th-grade teacher, and he might share one with you if you ask politely. Just tell him I sent you ❤

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Rediscover, Reignite, Launch

Lately, I have been grief-stricken and am getting tired of feeling stuck in a rut. I long for a change and plan to reignite the fire within me. As I approach my 50th birthday, I keep reminding myself that it’s never too late to pursue my passions and embark on a new venture that lights up my soul. In this blog post, let’s explore how you can reignite your passion for whatever you choose and take the first steps toward starting a new chapter.

Step 1: Rediscover Your Passion

The first step in reigniting your passion is reconnecting with yourself and identifying what makes your heart sing. Take some time to reflect on your interests, hobbies, and dreams. What activities bring you joy and fulfillment? What topics or causes ignite a spark within you? If you don’t know, take one week and see what makes you jealous—looking at other’s success and feeling that pang of jealousy is a sign that you also want/care about it. You can lay the foundation for a new venture that aligns with your authentic self by rediscovering your passion.

Step 2: Set Clear Goals

Once you have identified your passion, it’s time to set clear and achievable goals for your new venture. Define what success looks like for you and outline the steps you must take to get there. It’s not going to happen overnight. Small and steady progress will get you there. Setting small, attainable goals will help you stay focused and motivated when it gets rough and keep you on track as you embark on this exciting journey.

Step 3: Embrace Fear and Take Action

Fear of the unknown or fear of failure can often hold us back from pursuing our passions. Remember, in a blog post last year, we defined fear as ‘False Evidence Appearing Real.’ So don’t let fear stop you! It’s important to acknowledge these fears but not let them dictate your actions. Embrace fear as a natural part of the process and take small, actionable steps towards your goals. Remember, growth and success often lie just beyond our comfort zones.

Step 4: Who’s at your table? Seek Support and Guidance

Embarking on a new venture can be daunting, but you don’t have to go it alone. Look at who is sitting at your table – some uninvited, negative guests must be escorted out the door. Your table should have people who support and guide you – mentors, coaches, or like-minded individuals who can offer valuable insights and encouragement along the way. The bottom line is to surround yourself with a supportive community that believes in your dreams and wants to see you succeed.

Step 5: Stay Persistent and Adapt

Building a new venture takes time, effort, and perseverance. Stay persistent in pursuing your goals, even when faced with challenges or setbacks. Be willing to adapt and pivot as needed, learning from your experiences and continuously improving your approach. Remember, every obstacle is an opportunity for growth and innovation.

Step 6: Take the Leap

Now is the time to take the leap and start turning your passion into a reality. Trust in yourself, believe in your vision, and take bold steps towards creating the life and business you desire. Embrace the journey ahead with an open heart and a positive mindset, knowing you can shape your destiny.

Ultimately, reigniting your passion and starting a new venture is a transformative journey that can lead to personal fulfillment, professional success, and a purposeful life. You can turn your dreams into reality by reconnecting with your passion, setting clear goals, embracing fear, seeking support, staying persistent, and taking the leap. Remember, the only limits that exist are the ones you place on yourself. So, reignite your passion and start your new venture today!

This episode is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Happy Winter

Like many others, I like to reflect on the past year. Instead of making goals and resolutions, I list what I am carrying into the new year and what I am leaving behind. So, on this cold, rainy winter evening, it’s time for me to get cozy and make room for new possibilities. It’s a time to allow my spirit room to imagine, to believe that I can return to the calling placed on my life. It’s time to reset and rise early tomorrow morning for quiet prayer time prior to the busyness of teaching and life. Time to embrace these next two long winter months to layout my new year.

The one thing I will always carry with me into the new year is my writing. It is my calling, my purpose. It may take on many different forms: blogging, copywriting, teaching, short stories, novels, inspirational posts, and so much more. Regardless of what form my writing takes, it’s writing. It’s a passion I cannot live without.

Though this is just the beginning of what I carry forth, I know there will be more. I also know a few things I am leaving behind, but I am not ready to share them. So, I encourage you to take these cold winter months and reflect on what is serving you and what has served its purpose.

I wish you all a new year filled with warmth, love, and peace.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Finding Peace, Calmness, and Stillness at Christmas: A Path to Deepening Our Connection with God

Christmas is a special time of year for so many and for so many reasons. Though I’m slowly getting into the Christmas spirit, I have to admit, this year is a very slow start, almost like wading through the sludgy part of the ocean. I’m not good at putting on an act of pretending to be happy because I show my emotions ninety percent of the time. I am also transforming my scarcity mindset, so all the spending is putting me through a challenging test. And I miss my dad. My whole family is coming together to my house this year to be together and to be there for my mom. I’m truly excited to have her here for two weeks and watch her bake with my son and share stories – something we missed out on because of distance and my father’s last years battling health issues. So, yeah, it’s a slow start feeling joyful this Advent season, which is why I’m turning to my writing. Writing is my God-given purpose in life. This I know. Writing is also my way of processing emotions and thoughts in order to find peace, calmness, and stillness, especially at Christmastime. In this blog post, I am exploring five practical ways to find tranquility during the Christmas season while nurturing my spiritual journey.

  • Embrace the Simplicity: In a world driven by consumerism, it’s crucial to embrace simplicity during the Christmas season. Instead of getting caught up in the frenzy of materialistic desires, focus on the true meaning of Christmas. Take a step back, reflect on the birth of Jesus, and let go of the pressure to buy extravagant gifts or host lavish parties. By simplifying our celebrations, we create space for stillness and allow ourselves to be more present in the moment.
  • Practice Mindfulness: Amidst the chaos, practicing mindfulness can help us find peace and calmness. Mindfulness involves being fully present in the moment, observing our thoughts and emotions without judgment. Take a few moments each day to sit in silence, focusing on your breath and grounding yourself in the present. This practice not only helps to reduce stress but also opens up a channel for a deeper connection with God.
  • Engage in Spiritual Practices: Christmas is an ideal time to engage in spiritual practices that bring us closer to God. Whether it’s attending church services, taking part in prayer groups, or reading sacred texts, these practices provide a sense of peace and tranquility. Set aside dedicated time each day to connect with your spirituality, allowing yourself to be still and listen to the whispers of the divine.
  • Connect with Nature: Nature has a way of grounding us and reminding us of the beauty and serenity that exists beyond the chaos of our daily lives. Take a walk in the crisp winter air, marvel at the snow-covered landscapes, take an evening stroll admiring all the neighbor’s light displays, or simply sit in a park and observe the wonders of creation. Connecting with nature not only brings a sense of calmness, but it also helps us appreciate the magnificence of God’s creation.
  • Prioritize Self-Care: Purposefully taking time to nurture your physical, mental, and emotional well-being amidst the busyness of the holiday season is essential for our self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as taking a warm bath, practicing yoga, or reading a book by the warm glow of your Christmas tree. By taking care of ourselves, we create a foundation of peace and stillness that allows us to be more receptive to God’s presence.

During the Christmas chaos, finding peace, calmness, and stillness is not only possible but essential for deepening our connection with God. By embracing simplicity, practicing mindfulness, engaging in spiritual practices, connecting with nature, and prioritizing self-care, we can carve out moments of tranquility and invite the divine into our lives. This Christmas, let us remember that the greatest gift we can give ourselves and others is the gift of inner peace and a closer relationship with God.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Summer of Love Series: Day 1

Welcome to my Summer of Love short blog series, where I will uncover my fears and begin the transformation process of choosing love over fear. This is not a series on overcoming fears of roller coasters, swimming in the ocean, etc. though if that happens – yay! It’s more of a spiritual transformation that will require being in the presence of God, prayer and meditation, and forgiveness so that I may step out of this old way of living and realign my narrative with God’s purpose for my life. 

Day 1: Witnessing my fears. Fear is like water. It moves until it is obstructed or cut off at its source. Fear will seep into every aspect of life until it is cut off. How do we get to the source? First, by witnessing and paying attention to triggers and emotions that affect behaviors.

F – false

E – evidence

A – appearing

R- real

My fears stem from scarcity. Somewhere along the way, I bought into the narrative that there was never enough. Never enough: food, money, love, and attention. I needed to be more intelligent, talented, and disciplined to pursue my dreams. It has stopped me more times than I care to admit, but that’s why I’m here. 

As difficult as this is to write, I am fully committed to this transformation, so it’s time to be honest. I have allowed fear and this scarcity mindset to stop me from living a life God designed for me. Living outside of my purpose has kept me living small. 

Fear and this scarcity mindset have led me to take jobs that drain my energy. It’s the cause of my mindless shopping. It’s permitted me to eat poorly. It’s taught me to crumple up and hide my purpose like a child sneaking candy. It has kept me up at night. It has pushed my body to the breaking point. I have continually stamped down on the seed God planted in my heart. He knows this, and while I am ashamed of doing this to Him, I am grateful for his forgiveness and unconditional love. 

Stepping into God’s forgiveness has opened my eyes and heart to know and understand the source of my fears. It’s allowing me to admit how ugly it has made me feel, which is the first step in this transformation. So where do I go from here? 

I start my day by reading my bible and ensuring I keep Romans 12:2 at the forefront of my day. Romans 12:2 is the bible verse that brought me back to God about 9 years ago. It is committed to my memory, and when I stray too far off course for too long, it begins to pop up all around me. It’s the bumper sticker on the car in front of me. It’s the IG posts from Christian influencers. It’s the message of the weekly sermon. It’s a gentle reminder that it is time to get back in alignment with God’s word and His purpose for my life. 

In case you are unfamiliar, Romans 12:2 states, “Do not conform to the ways of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”   

It’s time (yet again) to step into my purpose and step out of doing what no longer serves my purpose in life. When we step out of fear’s grasp, we make space for God to guide us and lead us to creative ways of reaching our genuine selves and potential. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey. Today is Day 1, and I hope you will continue with me until Day 30. Until tomorrow, give your body, mind, and spirit some much-needed grace. 

I’d love to start a new conversation with you. Leave me a comment telling me which bible verse or a saying is closest to your heart. 

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Leaning in…

I cannot believe I haven’t blogged since Christmas time! I drafted several blog posts, but what I wrote didn’t feel fitting. One day it’ll be the right time, but right now, I’m exploring new territory with my writing and creating. I am looking at my writing with a new lens in this new space. I’m trying to find my voice and my stride. It takes much more discipline these days and a lot of consciousness, but the rewards of being deliberate with my time and aware of positive and negative influences bring me closer to my voice.

I am about to branch out into the side hustle world, and while I’m getting things ready to launch, my writing is expanding past my creative and teaching boundaries. I still love playing with words in a creative space. I still love the basics of academic and technical writing I model for my students. And it’s all happening on paper.

That’s right! I have returned to writing on paper. Not only is it less distracting and easier on my eyes, but it’s also grounding. It could also be the tactile experience that I am enjoying. And writing on paper slows me down – something both my body and brain need. Going slower has been a goal of mine since my time on leave last fall. We live in a rushed world, and when I don’t slow down and step off the proverbial hamster wheel, it negatively affects my mind, body, and soul; returning to pen and paper is healing.

I noticed that writing on paper, besides my messy handwriting, there is less pressure to get each and every word just right. That burden of making every word just right is nothing more than a form of perfectionism, which is why many writers fail to achieve goals. Typing to get every word right was an unconscious block for making progress. With handwriting, I’m also pushing past the urge to rewrite what I worked on the day before. It’s Newton’s law of motion – consciously moving my hand and thoughts forward keeps me moving forward. Another reason for writing by hand is the focus. My focus has severely declined over the last decade. It’s not just age (approaching 50); it’s the mental decline due to endless hours of zombie scrolling and zoning out on my phone and tablet. Yes, phones are great. Heck, I used to work for a mobile app company. So I get it. I actually love playing with technology, but it’s beginning to come at a price. Writing by hand genuinely strengthens my ability to calm my mind and body, allowing me enough stored energy to focus my thoughts to a satisfying conclusion. As my brain carefully considers each letter, word, or phrase, I gain more stamina to push out invading thoughts. Lastly, writing by hand improves my ability to express myself more authentically and allows me to communicate more complex ideas. It’s like a more profound sense of critical thinking. While it also serves as a blank playground where thoughts can expand and grow beyond the page.

In addition to writing on paper, I have been consciously practicing leaning into what brings me joy, energizes me, and makes me feel authentic. I also pay close attention to what depletes me and negatively impacts me. Whether it comes from food, news, the people around me, text messages, music, or my surroundings. They offer one thing: positive or negative energy. If I get sucked into the negative, I excuse myself and walk away or pivot my thoughts or the conversation to something more neutral or positive. Negative energy is sticky energy. It’s like pollen. It sticks to EVERYTHING! It often feels light, but it quickly becomes a weighty burden. This is where boundaries come into play. They are essential to establish. If you are a people pleaser, boundaries are difficult to practice but are critical to your well-being. By leaning into the good and the bad, I (re)learn more about myself and become more confident in protecting all that brings me joy without apologizing.

Just like life, writing is a journey. Some days are trying. Some days are smooth. Self-discovery is also a journey. Creating the life you want is 100% controllable by you. Therefore, I invite you on this journey with me because, as my tagline states, journies are meant to be shared.

I’d love to hear what journey you are on currently. Please drop a comment below, and let’s have a conversation.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Give Yourself Permission to Pause

The other day when I was watching tv with Chris, I asked him to pause the show while I ran upstairs to check on dinner. Why is it second nature for us to ask someone to “press pause when a show is playing,” but when we need a pause for our health, we hesitate, or worse, we keep life going in fast-forward motion? 

Last week, I skipped this blog because I ran out of steam. I returned to work last week and while the welcome back was warm and full of hugs, laughs, tears, and genuinely kind words, I didn’t have the energy to write this post. And guess what? That’s ok. I hit the pause button rather than pushing through.

Even this past Monday, after three days at work, I had to call out because I woke up with a fever, body aches, and deep congestion. I showered, got ready for work, and had all intentions of getting into school and teaching throughout the day. Then I sat down and paused for a moment. I leaned in and listened to my body. Within that brief moment, I realized how sick I’d become. Flu, RSV, COVID, and so many “unnamed” viruses are floating around in school. After I whipped out sub plans, I read through eight emails from students who all were around me last week and are now home with the flu. 

I also know my body does not do well when the weather changes. These last few days, we had the air conditioning back on. Yeah, let that sink in. It’s November. The air conditioning is on! The heat was on two weeks ago, and we’re about to turn it back on later this week when it’ll be in the forties at night. Anyways, as crazy as the weather is and the crazy amount of stuff floating around school, I’d inevitably get sick.   

Being sick doesn’t mean that you are weak. Is it an inconvenience? Yes. For teachers, I know it poses a problem with so few subs working this year. But when we are sick, it forces us to pause. Therefore, I encourage you to look at the positive, even if you feel miserable. 

I want you to imagine what you would feel like if you hit the pause button more often when you are not sick:   

  • Take time for yourself.
  • Take time for your family or for those you love dearly. 
  • Take time for your goals.
  • Take time for your dreams! 
  • Take time to be present. 
  • Take time to pray. 
  • Take time in nature. 

The list is endless! Just promise me that before the busyness of the holidays and the flu and cold season force you to pause, you hit the pause button without guilt.  

I’d love to hear from you! Share how you know when it’s time to hit pause and what you do during your pause.

Posted on by Denise Hartzler

“Can we fix it? Yes! We Can!” Building a Mental Health Toolbox for Anxiety

Writing through Anxiety Blog Series #4

If I needed to borrow a tool, would you lend it to me? Some people will say sure, while others will not. People are very protective of their tools. Some have good reasons, like their tools never being returned or returned too many years too late. Hopefully, the tools I’m giving you today will help you build a toolbox you can use and give to someone else in need. I wish I could fix anxiety with panic disorder with just one tool, but thankfully, we are in an age where we have so many tools at our fingertips and so many good neighbors willing to share their tools 🙂  

Over these last few weeks, I’ve been writing about my recent anxiety and panic disorder that led me to go out on FMLA status from teaching. Today, we are discussing ways we can move through anxiety with the purpose of building a toolbox. 

To start, I want you to declare that your anxiety will no longer have power over you and the things you want to enjoy in life. This declaration can be a simple whisper to yourself, a written statement, or shouted (literally shouted from your gut) outside in nature. A positive, powerful mentality is essential. 

As a reminder, I’ve encouraged you since Blog 1 in this series to find your support people. Having a circle of support around you is crucial during this time. This community should surround you with love, understanding, and patience. Remember, healing never takes place in isolation. 

Now let’s talk about a toolbox. Remember Bob the Builder? “Can we fix it? Yes, we can!” Bob the Builder was a popular tv series whereby Bob and his pals (aka his community) solved problems with a positive attitude (mindset) and used all sorts of tools to fix things. Note: I am fully aware this is an animated, imaginary world full of positivity for children. However, that doesn’t mean we should discredit it and not apply it to our anxiety and debilitating panic. And I’m not downplaying the severity of anxiety or panic disorder. I know what it’s like to be in the ER for panic attacks.

First, healing anxiety relies on all the tools we have to assist us through the pain. What tools do I have in my arsenal? Prayer, Bible reading, meditation, breathing exercises, body tapping, walking, hypnotherapy, writing, and many conversations with my support circle. And as of last week, I mentioned using medications. Due to the severity of the side effects and being in a consistent state of feeling simultaneously drunk and hungover, I recently decided to stop the meds. I’m trying everything I can to stay holistic because that works best for my body. There is no judgment here, and you should NEVER feel ashamed if you include medications in your toolbox. 

Building a toolbox requires understanding how and why anxiety happens in the body. For me, it’s rarely thought-provoking anxiety, but I do have some thoughts that can trigger anxiety; however, not many. It’s a physical response to the stress in my world. So I recently learned about “leaning” into the pain and accepting that my body is sounding an alarm. It’s crying for attention. All the old habits and the physical pain stored deep in our cells comes to the surface in the form of anxiety and panic. When I feel heart palpitations or tension in my chest or shoulders, I stop what I am doing and place my hand on the part of my body where I feel the reaction happening. So if it’s that choking feeling, I gently put my hand on my throat area, take a 2- or 3-second breath and exhale twice the amount while quietly telling myself, “I am safe, or just simply ask my anxiety what it needs.” If I have to do this sitting down, walking around, or swaying side to side, that’s what I do. It doesn’t take it away, but it lessens the intensity. If you are interested in more of this type of technique, search “somatic therapy.” 

I also walk every day. Even on rainy days, I somehow manage to walk at least 2 miles outside. I invested in base layers of clothing to have zero excuses for not getting outdoors as the temperatures drop. It’s fall in Virginia which means it’s cold in the mornings and warmer in the afternoons. During my FMLA time, I have taken to doing sunrise walks. I love watching the sunrise at 7:20 every morning. There is something so peaceful about the rising sun and the colors of the leaves. I even found a rock to sit on under a canopy of yellow maple trees. The leaves are truly spectacular this time of the year. As a side note, I am not a runner, but on some mornings, when I feel a lot of built-up tension or vibrations in my chest, I do a slow run for a mile. I did two miles the other day because my body needed to move quickly, and it helped me release some deep breathing. 

Meditation. Most people believe you must empty your mind to meditate effectively. I beg to differ. Our minds inherently think. By nature, this is how they are wired. So why do we expect them to stop thinking while meditating or going into a state of quiet rest? Years ago, I learned to hear the thought but not follow it. So I often say, “don’t go down the rabbit hole.” If you are trying to quiet your mind and suddenly remember that you need to buy frozen peas and carrots, thank your brain for the reminder but don’t start building a grocery list. Return to your quiet mind and visualize where your breath is needed in your body to heal. For example, I imagine the inhale filling up my chest with clean air and the exhale expels the stress from my body. After a few clean breaths, I move on to another body part. I do this for about 3-5 minutes. That’s it. 

Body tapping is a fantastic exercise. I learned body tapping almost 20 years ago! I recently appreciated the benefits of knowing how to do body tapping during this latest episode of panic. I’ve recommitted to ensuring I go with some form of tapping during the day. As shown in the video listed below, you don’t have to tap your entire body; you can focus on the upper body to help relieve anxiety’s stagnant energy. I like doing whole-body tapping at the end of a long and stressful day. It’s like beating the dust off an area rug. 

I’m new to hypnotherapy. Listening to it right before bed is exceptionally relaxing. There is something about consciously melting into your mattress while unconsciously being told affirmations that I find comforting and helpful. Below is the link to the audio ones that I listen to and the books that has really helped me understand the physical storing of anxiety.  

As for bible reading and praying, I’ve always done this. Having that quiet time at the beginning of my day while reading the Bible is a habit I will never abandon. In the mornings, if my mind is racing or my body is tense, I begin reciting the Lord’s Prayer over and over. Repeating this prayer or a verse from the Bible helps ground me and makes me feel truly connected to God, and reminds me that I am never alone. My favorite Bible verse that I’m ready to tattoo on my body is Romans 12:2 – “Do not conform to the ways of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. ” 

Finally, make sure you have a support circle. My support comes from family and friends, who don’t judge me, and they can be called/texted at any time of the day. I also have a therapist who gives me tools and is a prayer warrior. Here in Virginia, and I’m sure in other states, after COVID, it is challenging to find a therapist with an opening that isn’t six-eight months out. I turned to Better Help, an online therapy platform. All it took was filling out a questionnaire, and they matched med immediately to someone. We now meet online weekly, and I can join small group therapy. It’s been a great tool! If you are trying to find a therapist and cannot get in to see one, please consider Better Help. They are affordable and convenient; you can choose a video or phone call, all in the comfort of your home. And I know what it feels like to have agoraphobia during anxiety and panic, so having the comfort of not leaving your home is essential. My work family is also a part of my support circle. They check in with me, give me space, and ask permission to chat about work. On the days when I said, “no, I can’t talk about work right now because I have too much anxiety,” they understood and still reached out to say hi or send cute cat memes or pictures of their pets.  

I hope that giving you a glimpse and a list of resources in my toolbox is helpful. I know how living with anxiety and panic disorder can be debilitating at times. I am returning to work tomorrow, and it has taken me close to six weeks to say this without panicking. I have a “panic buddy” ready at work to help me when my body wants to freeze or run away. I don’t know if I will openly discuss this with my students. Some may find this blog and read it anyways, and if they have questions, I will be honest. My journey is not over; just my medical leave is over. And without ruminating about what “might be” or “could be” in the future, which is not real because it hasn’t happened yet, I am learning to be present, and I’m learning to be a defender of my mental and physical health, even if it means redefining my life.

If you don’t want to read this exceptionally long narrative, here is a quick list of resources that make up my toolbox (these are not affiliate links): 

Better Help

Body Tapping – there are many other videos but this is how I learned to body tap almost 20 years ago

Meditation

Understanding Anxiety and Hypnotherapy – book and audio downloads

Somatic Therapy

My favorite pens and pencils for writing

Columbia Sports (base layers for colder weather)

Let’s keep the dialogue going. If you are comfortable, please leave me your story and experience with anxiety/panic attacks. Remember, we heal in community, not in isolation. My mission is to help others openly discuss their anxiety/panic and talking openly and honestly is the first step. If you have tools that have helped you, please share. Like my motto, “writing is a life-long journey meant to be shared,” I can now confidently say the same about healing my anxiety ~ it may be a life-long journey, but I’m grateful I can share it with you and those around me.

Disclaimer: This is by no means therapy or professional advice. This blog series is my narrative, my journey, that I am sharing with you in hopes of encouraging you to begin healing your anxiety.
Posted on by Denise Hartzler

This Might Hurt…

Writing Through Anxiety Blog Series #3

Do you know how a doctor usually says, “this might hurt,” before piercing a needle into your skin? You brace yourself for physical pain. Our brains process the forewarning by telling our bodies that there will be a period when we must experience physical pain before the healing begins. Why don’t we give ourselves this warning when dealing with mental health? After all, deciding to make a change for your mental health leads you through a physical, emotional, and spiritual transformation. This transformation will require some pain. Why? Well, simply put, you are growing. You are breaking a cycle. 

If you are unhappy, stressed out, burnt out, unfilled, disgusted, full of anxiety, whatever it is, you must first decide to remove the mask. Removing the guise will make you feel very vulnerable. It’s hidden your truth for so long that now without the facade, you essentially feel naked, and boy, it is scary! 

Thankfully, we are a generation of consciousness. And that’s a good thing! It allows us to say, “I refuse to live like this anymore.” It’s effortless to slip the mask back on. I believe this is what our brains want us to do. I always tell my students, “our brains want to be lazy.” Brains thrive on routines and repetitions because they don’t have to work. However, once you declare that you will no longer live this way, you must begin implementing all the tools you have gathered to foster change. Unfortunately, when it comes to mental health, no one tells you that this change will be physically uncomfortable as it is emotionally and spiritually. But I encourage you to remind yourself that the pain you are going through is growing pains and that no transformation ever happens without pain. 

The minute you start changing is when the pain comes. We have done everything to avoid pain; we don’t like the uncomfortable. We are essentially in survival mode and have reshaped ourselves to prevent or lessen the pain. No one welcomes pain. I get it. But let’s look at it through a different lens. What happens if we move past the numbing and coping we’ve relied on all these years? What if we lean into our pain? We no longer consciously or unconsciously avoid it. Let’s give it the attention it needs. Anxiety in our bodies is like sounding an alarm to get our attention. 

You see, anxiety or panic pain comes in many physical reactions. This past month, I have gone through the following trials of discomfort/pain:  

  • Heat spreads from my chest through my limbs (and this isn’t a hot flash or warmth, it’s like searing burning moving through your veins). 
  • Hands around my throat, squeezing tightly. 
  • Tremors, more like a violent twitch, of my arms, hands, or legs.
  • Vibration or a constant annoying buzzing throughout my whole body.
  • Electric shocks/jolts.
  • Tired/fatigued muscles.
  • My heart thumps against my chest wall or pounds in my ears. 
  • Sour stomach or nausea. 
  • My eyes dart around the room, and I cannot move them smoothly from one thing to the next. 

After several days (and eventually weeks of these relentless symptoms) and with the help of my support circle, I decided to take FMLA and use the time to lean into the pain and heal. Yes, the meds are assisting me, but I am not allowing them to be the solution. They are merely an assistant. It doesn’t mean that they are numbing the anxiety. They prevent me from tipping over the precipice into sheer panic. When I am in that state of panic, there is no fighting. For me, it’s simply fleeing or freezing. And by freezing, I mean curling up into myself as tightly as possible, crying because I’m freaking out, and unaware of any thoughts other than getting my body as small and tightly wound as possible. Thankfully, my husband is strong enough to wrap himself around me and be that gentle reminder to breathe because I have a habit of holding my breath. 

After a panic episode subsides, it leaves my body feeling like I’m hungover. I’m tired to the bone, and my spirit is weary. These panic episodes have scared me to the point of going to the ER twice in my lifetime. And all they ever did was sedate me. Feeling like I was losing all control, and this fear of being torn away from my family or waking up locked away somewhere only raised my blood pressure. But once I was in the safety of my home, I slept. Upon waking up, I vowed to find a way to recognize the pain in my body and find the tools needed to avoid further panic episodes. 

If after a panic or intense anxiety attack, you may need to nap. You may need to cry. You will most likely be exhausted from breaking deep cycles of masking. Be kind to yourself. Be confident, knowing and feeling that you are doing the work many refuse to do. After all, people with anxiety are some of the strongest and most resilient people in the world. We do everything we need to (take care of family, hold down careers, etc.) while carrying 100lbs of worry/fear on our backs. Begin putting these statements on repeat: I am strong. I will find peace. Peace begins with me. 

Action Steps: 

  1. Identify how your body responds to anxiety. Write down specifically where you feel the tension. Does it start with an increased heart rate? Does it start with tension in your shoulders? Does it start in the upper stomach/solar plexus area? Take note of where it begins.
  2. Gather your tools. Hopefully, you have your support circle identified. Let them in by telling them you are looking for ways to heal your anxiety. Accept their suggestions graciously, even if you don’t use them. Research different breathing techniques and meditations and try them out to see what works for you. Find a therapist if you don’t have one. There are plenty of online therapists available 24/7. I personally use a therapist from Better Help. It’s convenient and in the comfort of my home. Find time to take a walk every day. If it’s cold and rainy outside, do some yoga. All these tools and more will help you through the pain. 

Next week, we’ll discuss how to put your tools to work and begin the healing process. 

Let’s keep the dialogue going. If you are comfortable, please leave me your story and experience with anxiety/panic attacks. Remember, we heal in community, not in isolation. My mission is to help others openly discuss their anxiety/panic and talking openly and honestly is the first step.

Disclaimer: This is by no means therapy or professional advice. This blog series is my narrative, my journey, that I am sharing with you in hopes of encouraging you to begin healing your anxiety.
Posted on by Denise Hartzler

Purpose over passion

Every quarter I ask my students an essential question. This question guides the purpose for the materials we read and the discussions we have as well what we journal about. I decided to apply this method to the writer side of me and ask myself an essential question. This question had to be one that is not related to my teaching career but one that will reignite my creative writing career. One that will keep the motivation going when abandoning my writing is too tempting.

Essential Question: Do you follow your passion or your purpose?

We are often passionate about a lot of things. And that’s great! Believe me, as a Gemini, I have a lot of interests that I can easily devote my time and energy to, but is it my purpose? Following a passion is easy. It brings immediate gratification. Much like how our phones bring us instant gratification for what we are doing in the moment. It’s a tough question to answer honestly, but you must ask, does this passion serve my purpose? If the answer is no, then we’ve got some work to do. For me, I am now asking myself, does this passion serve my purpose? Is it serving in a way that gives me a mental break from writing, aka my purpose? Does it busy my time to the point of depleting my energy which doesn’t support my purpose?

Following your purpose is counter-cultural. Culture tells us, just like I was told, and bought into, that there is a path in life. This path is an obligation and the only way to success and happiness is by following this formulaic path. As a culture we allow this path to dictate what is normal, what it means to “pay our dues” to chase after the elusive work-life balance, and it often dictates measurements of success. This path is easy to follow because countless generations have taken it and passed on this ideology to the next generation. Just because this path is deeply woven into our culture and into our families, it doesn’t mean it’s satisfying.

So, don’t take this path just because others are telling you this is the way things are done, that this is the only way to have success or happiness in your career. Allow yourself to make your own path if it nourishes your purpose. Your purpose is worth your time. As for those things that you are passionate about, keep the ones that support your purpose. When you are living in your purpose, you can freely give more time to your passions without depleting the time and energy needed for your purpose. Be like Robert Frost and take [the road] “less traveled by” and let it make all the difference in your life.

I’d love to hear from you! What are you passionate about? What is your purpose in life? How did you come about finding your purpose? Do you separate passion from purpose?